The most tempting word in parenting? Of course it’s “no”. Sometimes it’s “NO” and sometimes it’s “noooooooo”
You might be thinking, “yep, that’s my job as a parent.” Children want to do absurd things. That’s their job. They are working to learn the world around them, become a person in their own right, and have fun. As parents then, we feel a need to keep our children safe, teach them the right ways of things, and help them avoid mistakes, pitfalls and injuries.
So why is “no” troubling when trying to parent the positive discipline way? The short answer is that there is nothing wrong with the limit setting of “no” in itself. As you might have guessed, it’s how we say it.
“No” Is An Abstract Concept That Is Challenging To Process
Young children are concrete thinkers. “No” and “don’t” actually represent a very abstract concept. So when you tell your young child “no” they may not be developmentally ready to do the challenging work of processing it. Brains develop through about age 25.
You may have tried this experiment on yourself or friends: Don’t think of a pink elephant. Did you? I’ve used this example hundreds of times and I still see a pink elephant, just as clearly as I did the first time.
Most children won’t process the “no” part of a sentence. They just hear the concrete action part that follows, which sounds exactly like you are suggesting they do the opposite of what you mean.
When you say “don’t pull on that table cloth” young brains skip the “don’t” because they don’t really understand the concept yet, but they do hear the “pull on the table cloth”. When I am busy or distracted and my husband says “don’t close the door, I’m coming right back” I’ve watched myself close the door and then process what he said… and open back up again.
“No” Creates A Power Struggle
“No” also puts you in a head to head with your child (tip: this is true for adults too!) If you read the Doctor Seuss book with the North Going Zax and the South Going Zax you get the visual of standing face to face with your child, neither of you being able to get anywhere because you are stuck in direct opposition. I remember as a child thinking, “Why don’t they just step around each other and keep going?”
Imagine parenting as pool balls on a pool table. Each ball has its own path to a pocket. But they often interact with each other. If two balls are coming straight toward each other, they will bounce off and lose momentum but even a slight offset and they deflect and carry on. As parents we often get stuck in a head-to- head, straight-on power struggle with our children, when taking a slight angle could get us working with our child again, with little to no struggle.
What Works Better? Finding Your Parenting “Yes!”
So, what does “no” look like the Positive Discipline way? Like offering an alternative that meets the needs of the parent and teaches, or offers a path forward for the child, at the same time.
Try Expressing A Clear No By Telling Your Child What To Do Instead Of What Not To Do.
Say the positive command instead of the negative:
- Please walk when you are holding scissors.
- Use your inside voice.
- Food stays on the plate please.
- You can get out of the carseat after I park the car.
- You can hang out with friends after practice as long as you tell me where you will be and come home by 7.
The more you practice using positive nos, the more they will become natural. You will eventually have access to them even when you are scared, worried, frustrated, or in a hurry.
I remember hearing this tip in the Positive Discipline 8 week course I took when my now 18 year old was 16 months. I practiced and practiced and was amazed at the immediate results I got.
But the funniest experience I had trying it was when my son was about two. My son happens to have very active salivary glands, which is great for keeping healthy teeth but, when you are two years old and you are upset and trying to talk… let’s just say it’s messy.
I remember one day in particular, he was upset and telling me all about it (thanks to Positive Discipline, he still tells me all about his upsets.) A big drool was about to come out and I panicked. My brain went racing through all the Positive Discipline advice I had heard and I looked at him and said “Swallow your spit.” I couldn’t believe it when it worked. I spent the next few minutes trying not to laugh; trying to listen carefully to his concerns and help him problem-solve. I won’t forget it and it helped me solidify this tool for ever more.
Limited Choices
Another positive “no” is offering “Limited Choices”. This is a great way to empower your children to make decisions for themselves and to give them practice at making good decisions all while getting an outcome that you are comfortable with as a parent.
Limited choices sound like:
- Which shoes do you want to put on because it’s time to walk out the door now; these or these?
- Would you like to go with Teacher Joy or Teacher Ron?
- Would you like bath toys or tub paints for bath time?
- What day are you going to wash dishes? Tuesday or Friday?
- You can pick out three books from your bookshelf for bedtime.
- Are you going to get down or do you want me to carry you down?
Limited choices work best when you:
- You are calm
- You choose a kind and firm tone of voice (or a playful one if you aren’t already in a conflict)
- You offer real choices that could be acceptable for both of you
Limited Choices are appropriate for most situations. When your children are very young, just offer two choices, so they can practice choosing without extra processing. As your children grow, they may be able to handle more options.
Making good choices, or really, being able to make a choice at all, depends upon our brain’s ability to process. Learning differences and neuro processing differences may affect our children’s abilities to make choices. Fatigue, overwhelm or frustration, even being overexcited may make decision making difficult.
At the end of a long busy day, I’d rather have my husband ask, “Do you want Thai or Mexican” than, “Where do you want to go for dinner?”
Try to be aware of your child’s situation when you offer choices. If they are struggling, ask them if they want you to decide. For children who are not exactly happy with any of the choices, you may opt to set a time limit for them to make the decision; a point at which you will make the decision for them if they cannot or choose not to. For some children or in some situations, this will cause more stress and make it harder for them to make a decision. For children who are upset or overexcited, you can help them calm down before they make the decision.
Hold It Lightly!
Observation and practice will help you know what works best for you and your child. Experiment. See how it works. Try it a new way. Get curious and wonder what your child’s thinking behind their behavior.
If you feel a head to head coming on, if you see a disaster waiting to happen, if you feel you need to correct your child’s behavior, see if you can take a breath and choose a positive no (a parenting YES!,) or offer some limited choices to gain your child’s cooperation.
