Success is often the culmination of lessons learned from failure. Back in my early 20s, I opened an environmental fundraising company that quickly lost $100,000 in six months. Devastated and unsure what to do next, I visited my Uncle Frank for advice.
Uncle Frank was the first manufacturer of imitation crab in the United States. By the time I sat down with him, he had started 50 corporations. To prove it, he pulled out a thick binder and turned the pages one by one. As we looked through the binder, he explained why 46 of those businesses had failed. Then he told me about the four that were extremely successful. Their success, he said, was the direct result of what he had learned from every one of those 46 failures.
That meeting changed the trajectory of my life. Instead of beating myself up for losing $100,000, I began to marvel at what I had learned about luck, timing, resilience, and persistence. Uncle Frank told me to hang on to my dreams and goals. Even if I failed or fell short, I would still be better off than I was before I started. He also told me not to worry too much about what others think or say. The difference between success and failure—or being called a genius or an idiot—is often paper-thin.
As a college advisor, I guide students to find their special niche: a talent, interest, or passion that may lead them to a career where they can thrive, wake up excited to work each day, and eventually live the lifestyle they hope to build. We explore the many problems facing our society—climate change, civil rights, poverty, food safety, education, technology, health care—to see what sparks their interest. Where might this student focus their energy? What problem could they help solve, or at least improve?
Most students ages 14 to 18 do not yet have the expertise or know-how to launch ambitious projects on their own. That is why I connect them with specialists and mentors who can help build their foundation and give them step-by-step instruction. But even with support, the mistakes and setbacks are theirs to experience. That is an essential part of the process.
With each setback, students begin to understand firsthand what went wrong. They learn to research solutions, ask better questions, adjust their plans, and try again. They learn how to brush off their knees after a fall and find a new way to accomplish their goals. These are the kinds of lessons that cannot be taught through lectures or worksheets. They have to be lived.
Unfortunately, some parents step in and do the work for their children. They think they are helping by speeding up the process, especially when their kids are already juggling school, sports, music, volunteering, and other extracurricular activities. But when parents take over, they rob their children of the opportunity to struggle, problem-solve, and grow.
One parent actually took his son’s project to India and had a team of engineers build it. When he returned home with the completed project, his son was humiliated. The unspoken message he received was that his father did not believe he was capable of doing it himself. The damage was heartbreaking. The son decided not to apply to college and lost much of his entrepreneurial ambition.
On the other hand, I have seen obstacles help students become more confident, capable, and self-assured. When they work through problems themselves, they begin to trust their own judgment. They become more critical thinkers because they have learned from their mistakes. They are not devastated by every challenge because they know challenges are part of the process.
College, careers, relationships, and life itself will inevitably be filled with problems, disappointments, and even crises. Students who have learned how to overcome obstacles will be better prepared to handle them. They will be more resilient because they have already practiced resilience.
But students whose parents do their work for them—or whose teachers give them shortcuts and cheat sheets so they can memorize facts without truly understanding concepts—may struggle when life demands original thinking, discipline, and perseverance. Without the experience of working through failure, they may become stressed, dependent, and unsure of themselves.
So as you plan your children’s summer and school-year extracurriculars, give them the opportunity to try many things, even if those activities seem over their heads or possibly insignificant. Let them experiment. Let them make mistakes. Let them be frustrated. Let them discover what they care about and what they are willing to work hard to achieve.
Remember Uncle Frank. He learned from every one of his 46 failures before he had the wisdom, experience, and confidence to build four successful companies. Failure did not define him. It trained him.
And it may be one of the most valuable gifts we can allow our children to experience.
