Strategies to Build Resilience and Emotional Strength

According to Webster’s, resilience is the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. Here are strategies parents can use that are based on three well-researched, go-to resources for parents: SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) developed by Eli Leibowitz from Yale; Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) developed by Matt Sanders at the University of Queensland in Australia; and The Anxious Generation, NYU professor Jonathan Haight’s last, well-researched bestseller.

Resist the Urge to Fix

Validate your child’s emotions but resist the urge to solve every problem for them. Our parental instincts are to protect our kids and keep them from harm. But often trying to fix our child’s problems for them sends the message that they’re not capable of fixing things themselves.

Try saying things like, “I can see you’re upset, and that’s okay,” to show you understand their distress. Then, offer support without taking over, saying, “I’m here if you need help, but I know you can handle this.” The SPACE program helps parents of anxious children learn to avoid doing things to accommodate kids’ fears while unintentionally fueling their anxiety.

For example, parents of kids who are afraid to sleep alone will try to avoid their child’s discomfort by sleeping with them well into adolescence. Every night the message “you’re too weak and afraid to sleep on your own” gets reinforced.

In short, jumping in to keep our kids from experiencing pain can undermine their ability to build self-confidence and resilience.

Model Values-Driven Choices

I use a fun game in therapy to help kids identify what is important to them and what is not. We take about 50 cards with values-based words: Independence, Honesty, Patience, Courage, etc. We sort the cards by “Most Important,” “Somewhat Important,” and “Not Important.”

Then, we talk about each selection in the “Most Important” pile and sort the cards again. By the end of the game, the child has narrowed it down to the top five things that matter most to them. This sparks conversations about why knowing what is most important helps us set goals aligned with who we are.
I encourage parents to do this with their kids and talk about the values they share and each family member’s unique values. As parents, knowing our values allows us to demonstrate how to act in alignment with those values, even when facing difficult challenges.

For example, if your family values “Kindness,” you can show your child how to remain kind and compassionate, even in stressful situations. If you, as a parent, value “Respect,” you can demonstrate self-respect and show respect to others even amid conflict.

This helps children understand that living according to our values is more important than trying to avoid discomfort. It teaches resilience by showing that they can continue to pursue meaningful actions despite difficult emotions.

Turn Challenges into Learning Opportunities

When your child encounters a manageable challenge, welcome it. Without taking over, allow your child to face age-appropriate challenges that might involve failure.

Gradual exposure to difficult situations helps kids build confidence and learn to manage adversity. Find opportunities for your child to learn from setbacks. Again, validate your child’s feelings and then encourage them to think about what they can learn from a situation. Ask questions like, “What can you do differently next time?” to help them develop problem-solving skills and resilience. Share your own experiences with failure and how you overcame it. Help your child see setbacks as temporary and part of growth.

Be a Helicopter-Parent

Yes, you heard that correctly. It’s time for parents to become more helicopter and hover more when it comes to screen time and social media.

And, it’s time to back off and stop hovering in the real world. Jonathan Haight describes the disastrous cultural shift from play-based childhood to phone-based childhood and how as parents, we’ve become irrationally fearful of stranger danger in the real world while handing our kids a device that opens them up to predators worldwide.

I’ve heard people say that the genie is out of the bottle and there’s nothing parents can do about kids and social media. I disagree. There’s a lot we can do.

Let’s start by considering the primary function of social media. For most kids, social media is a way to connect with friends, and social connection is a healthy, necessary developmental activity. Taking away your child’s phone while “everyone else” has one, isn’t the answer. According to Haight, we must replace phone time with playtime. Haight suggests four new norms for groups of parents to agree to: 1) No smartphones before high school; 2) No social media before age 16; 3) No phones in schools; and 4) More independent play.

Let the Children Play

Back in the 1970s, I was a kid running around with my friends until dark without a parent or phone in sight. The crime rate was higher than it is today. But today, parents are irrationally hovering over their kids in the real world and throwing up their hands when it comes to the digital world.

We need to switch on the parental hover button when it comes to social media and switch it off in the real world. I tell parents, that instead of “play dates” and scheduled activities every day after school, give kids time to run around the neighborhood playing freely.

It is time for us to let go and let grow. To build resilience in children, parents should validate emotions without fixing problems, allowing kids to face challenges and build confidence.

Modeling values-driven choices and encouraging learning from setbacks helps children align actions with what matters most to them. Parents should actively monitor and limit screen time and replace it with independent, unstructured play. This balanced approach, based on SPACE, Triple P, and “The Anxious Generation,” builds resilience by teaching kids to manage difficulties and pursue meaningful goals despite challenges.