School’s out. “Yay!” say the kids. Game on, think the parents. The changes in routine and schedules bring a needed respite from the grind. But it also means parents need to be much more engaged in the family dynamics. Siblings are freer to spend time together, sometimes as friends and other times as opponents.
Not all siblings act as rivals, but there will be times, maybe few, maybe many, when adults must take an active role in the squabbles and outright battles. But how to do that, without favoritism, without your explosive reactions shutting everyone down, and without missing opportunities to teach problem-solving skills?
How do you put them “all in the same boat” as we say in Positive Discipline, where every child receives the same love, support, life-lessons, and limits? Start with what you can control: You.
Some Basic Facts About Siblings
And what lessons are available. Some sibling conflict is normal and healthy. Sibling conflict offers many lessons in living with others: conflict resolution skills, cooperation, listening to different perspectives, appropriate expression of anger, cooling off, finding solutions that work for all, apologizing, and forgiving.
Sibling conflict is often about pulling the parents into the middle so they can take a side. Teach children basic safety standards/skills: Stop means stop. When to walk away. When to ask for problem-solving help. (Remember, helping is not rescuing.) Sibling conflict can be used to empower children with important lifelong skills.
Teach and model how to listen, how to express your frustrations and needs without shame or blame, why people act the way they do (e.g., people won’t listen if you yell at them, if you compromise first, others are more likely as well), how to give meaningful apologies (but not before they are ready).
Equal Vs. Equitable
Siblings will demand that everything be fair, meaning things must be equal at all times. But as we know, this isn’t realistic. Differences in age, abilities, situations, and their physical and/or neurological make-up will prevent equality in every circumstance. But you can work to be equitable, meaning people can get their differing needs met that fit the situation. For example, young siblings will have fewer responsibilities and lower expectations than older siblings. Older siblings are given extra privileges. These are age-appropriate guidelines.
One child gets an invite to a party, the other doesn’t. One child picks the movie for the night, the other doesn’t. These things happen. The response to “That’s not fair” is to say, “Yes, things are not equal between people all the time. But in our family, things work out fairly over time. When you’re older, you will also have those privileges. Remember, last week, you went to a party, and your brother didn’t. Your sister picked the movie this week, but you will be picking it next week.”
First, Build Their Skills
Young children ages 6 and under will need guidance to develop problem-solving skills. Their brains are not developed enough to work through the steps calmly. If older children have not been taught these skills, start here with them. Conflict can become physical very quickly when skills are not in place. Do not “let them work it out.” Instead, move in to calm eruptions and guide them through the steps of conflict resolution:
Remain neutral with your body language and words. Assume nothing. You don’t know who started anything. (Nor does it matter!) “I’m here to help you both,” instead of “What did you do?!” The child who is crossing boundaries AND the one having boundaries crossed (usually siblings fall into both categories) will need your understanding and redirection to make better choices.
First, temporarily move objects or the children away from the sources of conflict. They may need a cool-off time first. Problems can’t be solved when emotions run high.
Listen to both sides and repeat out loud each other’s perspectives. “You are mad she knocked down your tower. She is mad you won’t play with her.”
Go to solutions. “How can we solve this or fix what happened? Do you want to tell each other what you’re mad about? Would you like her to rebuild your tower? What toys can she play with, or do you want to pick a time when you will share these toys? 10-15 minutes?”
Three Neutral Strategies For Older Siblings In Conflict
Once conflict-resolution skills are in place and physical aggression isn’t a concerning pattern, start the practice of “letting them work it out.” This is their relationship; they are responsible for it. Parents cause harm by getting too involved. (Unless safety is an issue.) This is when the art of remaining neutral and staying in control of your actions comes into play.
Continue to set the expectation of respectful treatment even when siblings are angry by using phrases like these and taking these powerful actions:
- “You can be angry and remain respectful. Try again.”
- “Talk without attacking.”
- “Tell each other your part.”
- “How can you make it right again?”
- “Speak to your sister, not me.”
Build their friendship by creating shared experiences and opportunities to work as a team, and also, allow space for alone time, not always requiring sharing.
When conflict begins, pick one of these neutral responses:
- Boot them out – Siblings must leave the room until they are done fighting and have a solution. “I’m not willing to hear this yelling. You know how to resolve and repair. Come back with your solution.”
- Beat it – You leave the room. “I’m not willing to hear the fighting. I’m leaving. Let me know when you’ve worked it through. I’ll help if you get stuck.”
- Bear it – Remain present but do not get involved. “I’m not going to get involved since this is between you two. You are skilled at figuring out problems.”
Siblings Matter
Siblings offer the first attempt at friendship. They can have tremendous influence over each other, more so than parents. Siblings can inspire others to follow their example or encourage them to take on a challenge. Conversely, they can influence each other to follow unhealthy paths of self-destruction. They can hurt each other deeply, knowing each other’s vulnerable spots.
This relationship is too important to let unfold on its own. Establish a family culture that siblings matter; love and respect are expected and practiced.
Resource: Parenting the Positive Discipline Way Manual: The Basics of Dealing with Sibling Rivalry, J. McVittie, MD, L. Lott & J. Nelsen.
