Have you ever asked yourself, Do my kids know I care? You might think, Of course they do. I dedicate so much time, money, and attention to them. My life revolves around them. And then have you been shocked, annoyed, or resentful when your child yells, “You don’t love me!”
Sometimes kids are thought to be entitled brats for saying this when they have been given so much; however, the problem just might be that the message of love is lost despite parents’ best efforts.
It’s lost due to parents feeling pressure to provide financially, to be on time to everything, to provide healthy meals, playdates, and special one-on-one time, to co-parent effectively, to make sure your kids are safe, well-behaved, and succeeding at school, to manage screen time effectively, and on and on. The sacrifices you make and the love you feel for your child do not always translate over to your child. Instead, children experience a stressed, demanding, critical, or overwhelmed parent.
Take One And Take Two
Take One: Your child runs into the street, or you find a vaping pen in your teen’s backpack. You explode with righteous anger. You don’t want your child or teen hurt. You want the best for them. You can’t stand the thought of them being harmed. So you yell, threaten, or punish with time-outs or removal of privileges. Maybe you do all three because underneath all your feelings, you love them deeply.
Take Two
Your child runs into the street, or you find a vaping pen in your teen’s backpack. You take action, physically bringing the child back to the sidewalk. You start the conversation with connection and love: “You scared me! You are precious to me, and I don’t want you to get hurt. See those cars going by? The drivers could hit you. I need to hold your hand now.”
You talk with your co-parent or close family members; you seek guidance on how to talk with your teen, and you get a plan. “We love you too much not to address this. We want to make sure you have accurate information, so you have the full picture and can make the best choices for yourself, because we want the best for you. The vaping pen has been removed from your backpack since it is illegal for you to vape.”
The Heart First, Then The Brain
The question to ask is, in which scenario did the message of love come through? Starting the interaction with messages of love is not a soft approach to parenting. Coupling love with boundaries and consequences is the most effective combination, but love always comes first. When the heart is engaged, the brain relaxes, and defenses go down. Information can be processed. The result is that the relationship is not damaged even if things get heated.
Why It Matters
Kids who know they are loved and also feel loved statistically receive a tremendous advantage as adults. Research shows again and again that the benefits are higher self-esteem, reduced anxiety, less stress, more resilience to get past life’s hardships, and overall happiness.
Saying “I love you” is important, but it isn’t enough. These benefits come through parenting in a way where your words and actions convey love.
Here are more examples of words and actions to adopt into your parenting habits.
Getting The Message Of Love Through
Apologize. Parents taking responsibility for their part in an argument or owning the times when they’ve lost their temper, said hurtful things, or were disrespectful speaks volumes. Repairing tears in the relationship is love in action.
Hugs. Hug a minimum of 4 times a day (but 8 is better!) for 6 seconds or longer. The feel-good hormones, oxytocin and serotonin, will be released, bringing on all their bonding benefits, mood uplift, and stress relief.
Challenge yourself to hug your children until they end the hug and no sooner. You may be surprised how long the hug lasts. (Adjust physical affection for kids who don’t like hugs: high fives, hand on shoulder.)
Smile. Let your eyes light up when they walk in the room. Simply show your enjoyment of their presence. Hold off at first from asking lots of questions, assessing their appearance, or assigning chores. “Hi, I’m glad you’re here,” is all you need to say.
Eye contact. Practice getting eye contact at times, rather than talking while distracted by screens or tasks. If they are small, bend down to their level when listening. It conveys that you are present to the things they are saying, even if they are talking about something that doesn’t interest you. (Note: eye contact doesn’t work for all children. Know your children and what works for them.)
Neutral tone. Truly, it’s not what you say but how you say it. The same words spoken with different tones illicit very different responses. Think in terms of stating simple facts without the attitude. “It’s bedtime.” “We’re leaving the park.” “Screen time is over.”
Words of affection beyond “I love you.” You are so precious to me. I like to watch you play. I’m so happy when we snuggle. My favorite part of the day is when you laugh. Your problem-solving ideas are incredibly helpful. I want to hear what you have to say. Your feelings are important to me. Of all the children in the world that could have been my child, I got you, which makes me so lucky. I love you, and I also like you.
Appreciate uniquenesses. Instead of thinking negatively about your child not being like other kids, appreciate what makes them stand out.
Invite opinions. Do not do this to dismiss or dismantle their thoughts and ideas. Genuinely be curious, interested, and accepting of their perspective. Ask for their problem-solving ideas, their thoughts about a book or movie, or their opinions about current events.
The idea of getting the message of love through is one of the last things I say to parents at the end of any Positive Discipline parenting class. There really is no more important task on your plate. Parents are imperfect and lose their way, but if you do this one thing consistently, those mistakes won’t matter. Love always wins if you return to it again and again. Celebrate love the whole month through!
