We all watched the bully in junior high school. But imagine that you are the younger, or the smaller, or the less assertive one. Or maybe you’re the neurodivergent kid, or you are gay, or you speak with a French accent. Somehow, you are different. You start getting tripped in the hallway, your books are knocked out of your hands, chocolate milk is poured down your shirt while dozens of kids howl with laughter and gather around the bully, clapping him on the back. You’re called harsher and harsher names, your bicycle is wrecked, kids throughout the school smirk as you pass by. Your bully convinces you that he wants to be your friend, and you are lured into walking under a tree where a bucket of filthy water and dog shit is poured over your head. Where you are most vulnerable becomes the focus of the bully’s attacks and when you cower or cry, it is video recorded and posted online. The adults in charge don’t do anything about it. In fact, they blame you for complaining about whatever this is that you must have brought upon yourself. For the first time in your life, you consider that suicide would at least be one way out of this.
I didn’t make these things up. They all happened to middle-school boys and girls in Santa Cruz. This article asks, if we were to teach anti-bullying skills, what skills might they be? And what do we do with kids who hurt other kids?
“Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights.” – Bob Marley
Bob Marley said “Learning to stand up for yourself means that you’re looking out for your well-being and bettering your mental health, defending your self-worth. When you’re too passive under difficult situations, you may feel like you’ve let yourself down.”
Safety In Numbers
Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/bullying#how-to-handle-a-bully) says that studies show that the most effective way to stop a bully is to engage bystanders, because bystanders reward bullies with attention. Teaching all children that they have an important role to play in stopping bullying is essential. A bully may try to retaliate against one person who speaks up but is not likely to target several. If a victim sees that classmates aren’t indifferent to what is going on, they’ll be less likely to get locked into a victim mentality.
So, hit back? Run? What?
Psychology Today suggests that the best defense against bullying is being socially skilled, teaching all children social skills and allowing them to develop confidence in their own abilities. “As social engineers for young children, parents are especially important in bully-proofing their children: They can regularly inquire about social challenges their children face and role-play possible solutions.”
Sometimes I do wish I could kick-ass with Kung-Fu, but I find that Tongue-Fu is better. The ultimate trick is to not let it bother you, and then you are in a more powerful position.
Just recently, someone tried to bully me at a writer’s meeting. They attacked me for being an “out-of-date greyhair”. At first, I felt stung, cowed, as everyone watched me to see if the thrust landed. I reframed it.
“Wow, thanks for noticing my hair! Yeah, I went to my beautician and said, ‘Make it grey!’ It’s a whole new look for me, looking more experienced.” It took the air out of their bullying trial balloon.
Dr. Liz Laugeson, from the Department of Psychiatry at UCLA, says that it is how you react to it that determines how severely you are bullied. Laugeson says the ignoring it, walking away or telling an adult does not work for the victim. “What resilient kids, what kids who are socially accepted do in these situation is to act like what the person said didn’t bother them, and in fact was kind of lame.” Laugeson suggests giving a short come back like, “Whatever”, or “Yeah? And your point is?” Or, “Is that supposed to be funny?” “They give the impression that it does not bother them. That is not the reaction that the bully is trying to get. They’re trying to get us upset, they’re trying to get us mad. But if they don’t get that, they don’t get what they want, it is less likely they’ll bully in the future.”
Resilience Educator Brooks Gibbs says, “How does a kid learn to be resilient in a difficult situation? Covering and taking over help for a kid robs the kid of resolving his problem. But what if one can be resilient? Decide to not get upset? To have tough skin. Bullying is an imbalance of power. They want to have power over you, they want to see you lose and they want to win. The angrier you get the more they like it. Stand your ground by not letting the bully upset you.”
“I hate your guts.” “I don’t care.”
“You smell like BO.” “Thanks for the tip.”
Gibbs says, “Bullying is a game about winning and losing, and by not getting upset, the bully will lose. When people lose, they don’t like playing the game, so they’ll leave you alone. No matter what they say, figure out a way to not get upset.”
“Dad, I’m being bullied at school.”
Forty years ago, powerhouse comedian Michael Pritchard dropped his show biz career to go full time into counseling at risk youth for bullying. “I was a medic in the military early on at 17 and I’ve been taken care of wounded since 1967. You cannot address a wound until you do it emotionally and spiritually and then you can do it physically and they will get better.”
Pritchard says that when your child tells you they are being the victim of bullying, tell them:
- Don’t volunteer to be a victim. Bullies often choose people who show vulnerabilities or seem easy to manipulate. These vulnerabilities could manifest in various forms, such as insecurity or low self-esteem. Those who show any signs of emotional weakness or uncertainty about themselves may become a target.
- What’s it going to be? Whine or shine? Bitter or better? Complain or gain? These are internal choices, you have to stand up for yourself.
- Tell them to learn to stand up for yourself, defend yourself, protect yourself. But also, be that detective for your child that says, “Hey, if you’re being bullied, you need to talk about it. If you hold it all in, you’ll implode. You’ll be raging at home or at school. And kids are so wise about this. If you see your kid coming home every day and they’re taking everything out on your loving heart, your kindness and compassion, the alarm bells should go off.
- Get them to express themselves with art, get them to write stuff about bullying, write a letter about what they think about bullying.
The advice to get your kid to “express themselves” to deal with horrific emotional attacks might make our eyes roll, but it actually does work.
Pritchard was in workshop in a Pismo Beach high school; some were tough kids, some were gentle and some were mean. He asked who could share what it feels like to be picked on teased, shunned, shamed, humiliated. A kid stands up, obviously an autistic spectrum person, high functioning, brilliant, but who doesn’t make eye contact with anyone. The kid says, “You all call me the school retard, the school loser, but you guys don’t know me. I have high functioning autism spectrum, and I have really a hard time because you guys yell a lot. And I do self-isolate in the library, and I do self-isolate in the cafeteria because I can’t stand loud noises. It scares me. It makes me anxious. You chose to call me the school loser, and it hurts, but here’s what you all need to know. You should get to know me. You should try to get to understand me because chances are ever increasing that you’re going to have a kid like me one day, and then what will you do?” Pritchard says as hard as some of these kids were, there was not a dry eye in the room. “Some of these kids are crying with bullets instead of tears.”
Expressing the rage and fear seems to be crucial. Pritchard quotes Macbeth, “Always give sorrow words. Grief that does not speak, whispers to the heart and bids it break.” Pritchard tells his kids that all tears that do not flow will make other organs weep inside of us. “I tell them, do not engage the rage turn the page. Bullies hurt each other as much as they get hurt. It’s very powerful to let your kid know, ‘Don’t choose to go down that path.’ Choose not to be a bully. There will be bullying, but you have to rise above it, with a defined sense of purpose in your life. Who do you want to be? A bully? A victim? Don’t become what would get in your way.”
By Richard Stockton
