When a child is struggling, we tend to focus on the child. We wonder why they aren’t paying attention, why they are falling behind or why their behavior seems so different from one place to another.
Over the years, I have learned to ask another question… What is happening around this child?
The setting in which a child spends their day can have an enormous influence on how they learn, behave and see themselves. Noise, lighting, transitions, pace, expectations, relationships, opportunities for movement and time outdoors can bring out very different sides of the same child.
Some of my greatest lessons about this have come from raising my own two children. I homeschooled them for more than a decade, and although I am deeply grateful for those years, I certainly didn’t spend all of them confident that I was making the right decision.
There were days when I wondered if I was giving them enough. Were they learning what they needed to learn? Were they missing something by not being in school? Would they be prepared if they ever wanted to enter a traditional classroom?
There were plenty of outside opinions too. Choosing a different path for your family can invite questions, and sometimes other people’s questions have a way of becoming your own.
Homeschooling could also be lonely. Our family spent an incredible amount of time together, and I treasure the closeness those years gave us. But there were seasons when carrying so much of my children’s education within our family unit felt isolating. There wasn’t always someone beside me saying, “Yes, this is going to work out.”
Looking back now, I feel delighted by the way they were brought up.
They had time. Time to explore, move, spend long stretches outdoors, follow their interests, learn life skills, cook and bake, and simply be children. Learning happened through books and academics, but it also happened through conversations with mixed age groups, experiences, nature, and everyday life.
As they grew older, something began to change. They became curious about school. They asked if they could try it.
That mattered to me. I didn’t want homeschooling to become something we continued simply because it was what we had always done. If my children were telling me they were ready to experience something new, I wanted to listen.
My oldest child spent almost 3 years at Orchard School in Aptos before entering a more traditional private school in ninth grade. Orchard offered a beautiful bridge between the two worlds. She could learn barefoot, climb trees, ride unicycles, learn to walk on stilts, drink warm tea in the math cabin and eat lunch from the organic food hut.
It was education, but childhood still had plenty of room to breathe.
Eventually, both of my children made the transition into a traditional private school. And all those old questions came back.
After so many years of doing things differently, would they adjust? Would they be prepared? Had I somehow made things harder for them?
Then they surprised me.
Today, both of my children are thriving in private school. They are not simply getting through it. They have embraced their new world in ways that continue to blow my mind.
Watching them succeed has helped me understand something I couldn’t fully see when they were younger… What children need can change as they grow.
For many years, homeschool gave my children what they needed. Later, they were ready for something different. Neither choice erased the value of the other.
That lesson has influenced the way I think about all children.
Sometimes we become so focused on changing a behavior that we don’t stop to consider where that behavior is happening.
A child may struggle in one setting and do beautifully in another. They may have difficulty focusing at a desk but become completely engaged while building, creating or moving. They may be quiet in a large group and come alive with one or two friends. The child didn’t suddenly change. Something around them did.
This is especially important when a child is repeatedly being described by what they aren’t doing. Not sitting. Not listening. Not participating. Not keeping up.
Before deciding what needs to change within the child, it may be worth asking what could change around them.
Maybe they need more movement. Maybe the room is too loud or the pace is too fast. Maybe they need more time outdoors, fewer transitions or another way to demonstrate what they know. Sometimes a child simply needs an adult who recognizes strengths that have been overshadowed by their struggles.
This doesn’t mean children should never be uncomfortable or challenged. My own children eventually chose a setting with more structure, schedules, assignments and expectations, and they have risen beautifully to that challenge.
But challenge and mismatch are not the same thing.
There is a difference between stretching a child and repeatedly asking them to succeed under conditions that don’t allow us to see what they are capable of.
I think back to all those years when I wondered if I had chosen the right educational path for my children. I wish I could tell that younger version of myself that I didn’t need to figure out one perfect answer.
I simply needed to keep paying attention to the two children in front of me.
For one season, that meant learning at home. For another, it meant bare feet, trees and warm tea in a math cabin. And today, it means classrooms, teachers, schedules, friends and a private school where they are doing incredibly well.
As parents and educators, we want to see our children succeed. When they are struggling, our instinct may be to focus on what they need to do differently. But sometimes, we need to look at what is happening around them first.
The right environment will not look the same for every child, and as I have learned with my own two children, it may change as they grow. What they needed when they were younger is different from what they need today, and I am grateful we allowed room for that change.
