It’s a crap fact of life. No matter who you are, where you live, what you do, some people won’t like you. It’s not personal, no one escapes this experience in one form or another. Whether you’re the disliker or the dislikee, by the time middle-school rolls around it’s a part of the social experience. But however you slice it, normal doesn’t make it feel good.
This is the big risk of every new situation, and it happens every September at the start of a new school year. Whether you’re a freshman, a senior, or anyone starting a new life phase, there’s likely to be some social novelty. There are new classes, new teachers, maybe even new roommates. And sometimes all three.
Suddenly you’re outside the comfort of your established friend group, where you already know where you stand. Comfort zones have their place. I enjoy mine as much as anyone. Yet navigating uncomfortable social experiences is also how we build resilience.
Meeting new people requires effort and carries some risk. Someone might not click with you.
I learned this firsthand as a yoga teacher. Early on, another instructor warned me that if I taught at an all-inclusive studio, eventually someone would walk out of my class. And you’ll probably feel bad, she added. She was right.
Recently, while substituting a class, I noticed a student looking unhappy before eventually leaving. As a yoga teacher, people expect you to provide an experience they enjoy. Sometimes your teaching style and their expectations simply don’t match. When someone rolls their eyes or walks out, you still have another roomful of people counting on you to stay present.
So I’ve had to learn how to let it go. Mindfulness helps. Yoga teaches us to notice discomfort without immediately reacting to it. When I feel stressed or disconnected, I can return my attention to my breath and body, giving my nervous system a chance to settle before my mind launches into a story about what just happened.
I’ve also learned not to assume I know what another person is thinking. People react to us for countless reasons, many of which have little to do with us. Maybe you’re too loud for them, too quiet, or remind them of their condescending sister. Unless you have enough information to know there’s something useful to learn from the interaction, trying to solve the mystery can become an exhausting exercise.
Learning to tolerate being disliked is a life skill. Emotional maturity doesn’t arrive automatically with adulthood. We develop it through experiences that challenge our sense of ourselves and give us opportunities to recover.
Of course, don’t take it personally only gets you so far. When you’re standing alone at a party or walking into a room where you don’t know anyone, it helps to have some actual tools.
Years ago, when my daughter was starting a new school in a new state, she worried about making friends. So I took her to see someone I considered a guru of meeting people: behavioral researcher and author Vanessa Van Edwards.
Van Edwards spoke to a packed room in Portland, and my daughter left with a signed copy of her 2017 book, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People, and some practical ideas about making connections. Van Edwards’ work focuses on turning behavioral research into social skills people can actually use.
Three of her ideas still stand out.
Skip The Boring Small Talk
Instead of automatically asking, What do you do? Van Edwards recommends questions that create what she calls conversation sparks—topics that generate genuine interest and energy. Ask someone what they’re excited about, what they’re looking forward to or what the highlight of their week has been. Then pay attention to what lights them up.
Look For Common Threads
We tend to connect more easily when we discover something we share. Van Edwards suggests listening for common interests, experiences or acquaintances and following those threads. If you can’t find an obvious connection, curiosity works too. Ask the other person to tell you more about something you know little about.
Let People Know You’re Interested
Warmth is communicated through behavior as well as words. Visible hands, comfortable eye contact and open body language can help make us appear more approachable. Genuine curiosity matters too. Van Edwards describes attunement as helping another person feel wanted, liked and known.
There’s something reassuring about remembering that social skills are skills. They can be practiced.
Finding people you click with means putting yourself in situations where connection can happen. Join the club. Take the class. Attend the event. Introduce yourself. Ask a better question. Accept some awkwardness along the way.
And when someone doesn’t like you, check whether there’s anything useful to learn from the experience. Then turn your attention toward the relationships where you feel welcomed, interested and able to be yourself. There are plenty of people you haven’t met yet.
