Treat Your Kid Like a Rock Star
By Chris Jackson
Your kids aren’t rock stars, so why treat them like it? Because it works. It brings parents and kids closer together. Let me explain.
One of the best things about being a radio host on 98.5 KFOX is that I get to meet a lot of bands like Led Zeppelin, The Who, The Beatles, Van Halen, Journey, Bon Jovi, AC/DC, Aerosmith (and let’s not forget all the bands that play at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk!). When my son and daughter became teenagers, I started to notice two major similarities between those rocks stars and my kids–and no I’m not talking about their hair.
First, I noticed that kids don’t like having to answer questions. How was school today? Did you get your assignments done? Who was that you were just talking to on the phone? Rock stars also dread questions. How’s the tour? What guitars do you play? What’s your favorite album?
When you speak to a teenager or a rock star (or other celebrity), try ending your sentences with a period. Rock stars love meeting people; they just don’t like questions. You can try saying something like, “I can’t believe you’re here at my favorite restaurant–this is so cool!” Notice you didn’t have a question at the end. Continue on with, “I came here for the scallops, and got to meet you as well. How cool!” The rock star might then as you how you liked your food.
For your kids, the question, “How was school today?” is replaced with, “Hi Taylor, I was just wondering how school was today, and then you walked right in!” Your kids may respond by telling you how school was, or they may give the standard “uh-huh” type of answer while walking away. If you get the “uh-huh” response, please know that you did not waste your time or your kid’s time; rather, you set the stage for a good conversation at another time.
You will, of course, need to ask questions to your kids at times. But as you minimize the amount of questions you ask, your kids will be less annoyed and will feel more comfortable having meaningful conversations with you.
The second major similarity between our kids and rock stars is that they like it when you leave. That is, they like it when you initiate the end of the conversation, because they usually have to do it. You’ll catch them by surprise when you walk away while saying, “It was nice catching up, but I have to go. I’ll see you later.” Once you stop asking questions and start initiating the end of conversations, your kids will have less of a reason to avoid you, and they might even start up a conversation with you!
Likewise, celebrities dread always having to be the one to say, “Nice to meet you, but I really must be going now.” At an event in San Jose recently, I approached Ed Sheeran, the #1 recording artist in the world, and spoke with him only using sentences ending in a period. Shortly after that, I initiated the end of conversation by telling him I needed to excuse myself to leave. Later, we ran into each other at the same event, and he approached me! He did that because he felt safe that I would not ask questions and that I would initiate the leaving. I had a great conversation with him about school bullying. I learned that he was bullied in school, and that he’d love to get involved with anti-bullying efforts. I introduced him to my teenage daughter (who is a big fan of his), and then I initiated leaving both of them! They loved it.
Treating my kids as rock stars has really worked for me. My daughter, Sarah, especially appreciates not being asked questions. She used to shut down when she heard too many questions (and often one was too many). I remember asking her how her day went, and she’d tell me, “Stop asking so many questions! Do you do this to Tyler (her brother) all day too?” Once I stopped, she’d often remark how nice it would be if we spent more time in the same room. She’d never said that to me before. It was nice to hear.
My son really responded well when I started initiating the leaving. One time when I was done helping him with his homework, we started talking about our favorite team, the Raiders. When I politely excused myself, he seemed stunned. Well, shocked might be a better word. But after a few experiences like that, he started bring up the Raiders to me!
Now that he’s away at college, I employ this during our phone conversations. I say, “Well, Tyler, it’s been great catching up, but I need to go now, so let’s talk again soon, okay? I hear silence on the other end. He’s probably got a smile on his face. Ending a conversation like this inevitably results in him calling me more often than he would otherwise. Those calls are more important to me now than ever because he’s living farther away (in Colorado), studying to be teacher. My daughter is a few years younger and also studying to be a teacher. I hope someday they’ll be implementing these concepts in their classrooms and with their own kids.
Consider the amazing end to a call I had recently with the rock stars in the band Jefferson Starship. I’d been implementing the concepts of not asking questions and initiating the leaving for so long with this band, they’d come to the point where I could talk to them on occasion even when I wasn’t officially interviewing them. At the end of this one particular call, one of the guitarists gave me his personal cell number (we normally used the number of their manager), and invited me to come to his new house so he could show me around the town–he even suggested I move there! He would never have responded this way if he thought I’d be asking a lot of questions and not leaving. You could even say he invited me to stay, knowing I’d leave.
Growing up, my dad modeled the parenting style I’m introducing here, and my mom modeled the parental behavior we’re leaving behind. I remember my dad saying, “Well, I better get goin’ or your mother’s gonna wonder where I’ve been.” With my mom, you’d need to start saying you need to go about 30 minutes before you actually needed to go! I don’t ever remember my mom initiating the leaving, other than those times she needed to go look for my dad, of course.
I remember each time I came home from school, my parent would ask me, predictably, “How was school?” I would have loved it if, just once, they would’ve ended their comment with a period. My brothers were more annoyed by it than I was.
Sales professionals can really benefit from these concepts. Imagine how many clients dodge sales calls because of all the questions they’ll face if they answer the call. The client gets tired of having to always be the one to end the call. If you know people in sales, get this information to them as soon as possible. They’ll owe you a lunch or two for sure.
Customers would also benefit from the concepts presented here: by being the one to initiate the leaving, a customer creates leverage in a business negotiation (for example, when buying a car). When you excuse yourself first, you no longer seen desperate to by that car. The next thing you know; the price just went down.
Kids are like rock stars in other ways, too. For example, because rock stars have everyone doing everything for them, they can’t do simple things like order a pizza, or reschedule their dentist appointments. Sound familiar, parents? Here’s another example: kids don’t know the value of dollar because they haven’t had to earn any, right? It’s the same for rock stars. The way they see it, they’d write and play music for free, so anything they get paid is money they haven’t really worked to earn. Because of this, both kids and rock stars are known to spend frivolously. Red Ferrari anyone?
Don’t expect to be flawless in the application of what you’ve learned here today. We’ll all fall back on our old habits from time to time, but we’ll know it because we’ll notice a change in the way our kids respond to us–we’ll notice them withdrawing again. When this happens, simply end your sentences with a period, and start initiating the end of your conversations. I fall back on these concepts with my own kids, and I’ve noticed that it’s easily corrected, and the relationships improve again.
Treat your kid like a rock star. See what happens. You won’t ever have to drive ‘em around in a limo–I promise.
Radio DJ Chris Jackson, who can be heard on 98.5 KFOX from 2 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays, and who was heard on the #1 ranked KFOX morning show for decades, is also a professional musician and parent of two. He’s been playing guitar in Bay Area bands since high school, and performs the National Anthem on guitar for pro sports teams in the Bay Area venues like the Shark Tank, where he’s heard by thousands. Chris also teaches piano, guitar and radio broadcasting in the Bay Area. Many KFOX listeners have heard Chris’ son and daughter on the air with him and remember Chris sharing his parenting tips on the air. Chris may be the only parent ever to say that the parenting during the teen years should be the easiest period of parenting, not the hardest.
One Comment
Dwayne Bell
Chris,
I love the detailed advice you present here! It’s something I haven’t heard explained quite this way before and it echoes with me because my father communicates in the same way as your mom:) Great to read this. Thanks for sharing.
—Dwayne