I’ve seen posts about our attachment style pop up constantly on my social media lately: anxious attachment, avoidant, secure. Attachment theory is an interesting conversation, and how great is it that our emotional and mental health is a current conversation?!
Do you cling to your partner, run away when you get too close, or stay strong and steady? How do these styles get established in the first place? I hope you all know the answer by now because, yes, everything does lead back to our childhood.
The relationships developed between adults and children set the stage. Children are always observing, interpreting, and deciding who they are, and what relationships and the world in general are like. This idea, drawn from the work of psychologist Alfred Adler (1870-1937), is foundational to Positive Discipline. This means that how adults show up in relationship with children (e.g., distracted and distant, smothering and anxious, harsh and unapproachable, wildly inconsistent, present and available, stable and consistent, or a mixture of all of these) shapes their attachment style.
How We Got It Wrong For So Long
In the early 1900s, psychologists J. Watson, B. F. Skinner, I. Pavlov, and others conducted research that set the groundwork for the 20th century’s understanding of how to raise children. Much of their research was based on animals and, most unfortunately, was applied to people. Animals are trainable and will change their behavior by avoiding unpleasant experiences (punishment) and performing well to gain good experiences (rewards). This is called the behaviorist approach and has been the prevailing, acceptable approach for over 100 years. This punishment-reward approach uses tools such as spanking, threats, yelling, time-out chairs, sticker charts, shaming, bribes, and empty praise to gain compliance.
I’m sure this seemed like a good idea, applying animal research to people. You may wonder what was wrong with this idea, because you can get desired results using these tools. But a purely behaviorist approach also produces undesirable results, including a lack of secure attachment to parents and to future relationship partners.
Despite decades of contrary research, the oversimplification of behaviorism still influences us today. Many still believe a misbehaving child stems from a lack of punishment and that the parents are failing in their job.
Human Spirit Factor
This long-standing approach has a glaring hole, one that A. Adler and R. Dreikurs began to uncover and implement in their work with patients and families in the early 1900s. People have what I call the human spirit within them that doesn’t show up in our relationships with animals. Scientists call this the relational aspect of humans; our complex social needs to feel significant and to belong shape our behavior.
We don’t mindlessly follow directions even in the face of punishment, as any parent of a toddler or teen knows. Dreikurs studied and wrote extensively about how harsh treatment or loose boundaries can lead to resentment, rebellion, revenge, low self-esteem, sneakiness, entitlement, and disrespectful interactions instead of cooperation.
How A Purely Behavioral Approach Undermines Secure Attachment
If people focus only on observable behavior, they ignore internal emotional struggles and unmet relational (safety and love) and/or biological (food and sleep) needs; children with unmet needs find it much harder to develop security and trust.
The limitations to behaviorism that inhibit development of secure attachments include:
- Overlooked emotional needs and bonding – internal emotional states are ignored, impacting the development of secure attachments.
- Overemphasis on external behaviors – the quality of the relationship is also important. Complex relationships are reduced to stimulus-response patterns.
- Reduced empathy – when the caregiver focuses on behavior, they miss empathizing with a child who is underdeveloped, unskilled human, affecting their sense of safety; children learn that mistakes lead to disconnection.
- Good behavior becomes the sole goal – this does not mean that trust and emotional safety are being experienced. Stopping a behavior without understanding what the child is thinking and feeling internally tells a child that pleasing an adult is more important than their relationships.
How To Develop A Secure Attachment Style In Your Child
Seek out resources that emphasize a relationship-based, authoritative style of parenting, one that is not so firm that bonding can’t develop fully and not so gentle that children fail to develop awareness of others’ boundaries, preventing others from bonding with them.
Positive Discipline is one such program, weaving kindness and firmness into every tool it offers.
Here are a few foundational tools for you to implement, suggested by an online article:
- Consistent responses to your child’s emotional and physical needs: You don’t need to be perfect, but being as consistent as you can builds trust.
- Consistently respond to undesirable behavior, not in haphazard displays of anger, but in clear, respectfully firm responses. Make consequences related to the situation, not random or unpredictable reactions in the heat of the moment.
- Display loving, physical touch and/or daily eye contact no matter the age of your child. (Exceptions can be made for kids with Autism Spectrum Disorder who may find this uncomfortable.) Do this not in a distracted way, but fully present. These are cornerstones of secure attachment.
- Create daily morning and bedtime routines. Life becomes predictable. Predictability equates to a relaxed nervous system.
- Offering time and space to safely explore the environment or to take responsible risks, whether that is climbing up a slide or learning to drive. Simultaneously provide a soft spot for them to return to after expanding out into the world.
- Model emotional regulation as consistently as you can, which significantly influences children’s attachment security. Be authentically joyful, sad, upset, angry, silly, or irritated within healthy parameters.
Resources Are Readily Available
I think more than ever, we’ve come to realize the profound importance of those early years and the lifelong impact of healthy or unhealthy parental attachment styles. However, more work remains on how to implement this knowledge. For me, Positive Discipline has been my guiding light. Locally, Positive Discipline Community Resources can help you give your child a secure attachment style through classes, play groups, book studies, and one-on-one support, fully funded and free to you. Reach out with your needs, and let us find a way to get you the support and tools you need.
