Whether we recognize it or not, power is at play in every interaction between people. Eve Trook wrote about power dynamics between teachers and children in the early 80s. The work was groundbreaking, and to this day, when I present it, I see lots of light bulbs going off over people’s heads, so I thought I’d share it with you today!
She offers that there are different types of power and that power is not positive or negative in and of itself.
Power On
Power On is power that takes away another person’s choice. Parents need this type of power, for example, when their child runs out into the street, we don’t want to crouch down, use a soft voice and have a conversation about whether that is a good idea or not. Power On is a very valuable type of power when used in the right circumstances. And in fact, if we are also using other types of power, we can ‘get away with’ using Power On when another type is more ideal, but we just don’t have the time or wherewithal to choose something else. For example, when everything just took longer than we thought and now we are late to a doctor’s appointment, a parent/child relationship that experiences a lot of power sharing can weather a “because I said so” or “I just need you to stop and get in the car right now”. But ideally, we use this type of power sparingly and look for other ways of using power that offer more to our children and, therefore, our relationship.
Power For
Power For is power used to facilitate another person’s experience or ability. We naturally use this as parents when we lift a child up to wash their hands or get them velcro close shoes before they are ready to learn to tie a bow. When we can select Power For instead of Power On, we build our children’s ability to do more and more things for themselves. If we overuse this type of power, though, we can find ourselves depleted. This is often because we are doing things for our children that they could be doing for themselves.
Power With
Power With is power used with another person so that we are experiencing something together, learning, or doing. Positive Discipline (PD) has many resources and tools for expressing this type of power because it is new to many of us when we begin to implement PD concepts and strategies. Sharing power doesn’t have to be exactly equal, but it can be. For example, if we go to a parent-and-me class, we are experiencing the activity or learning together as equal participants in the class or group. It could also be that we are setting up some limited choices for our children, all of which are okay with us, but sharing the power of choice WITH our children.
Family Meetings are a quintessential PD tool for Power With. We sit down with a list of items to discuss. We might share a bonding moment (like one good thing and one challenging thing that happened today, or ‘something I’m proud of today is…’) We lay out any challenges to solve, bed time routines, who is driving whom to practice each day, or the state of the laundry baskets. And then we share ideas about how to resolve the challenge and make an agreement that we can all live with and take responsibility for. Anyone can add a topic to the family meeting agenda at any time. This is also a great way to set aside a conflict to discuss at a time when everyone is calm and ready to problem solve.
I will never forget the day I got to the end of my rope doing all the chores in the household and brought “chores” to our family meeting. Together with my 8 and 6-year-olds, we brainstormed all the things that it took to keep our home and lives running smoothly. Then I asked them what things they were willing to take responsibility for because I was, at the time, doing them all, and I felt overwhelmed. I would NEVER have assigned them as many chores as they volunteered for that day. My ‘Power On” would have been poorly received, and I would not have received as much help as I got. I was in shock and so very grateful and proud.
If we are used to using Power On a lot in our families, moving toward Power For and Power With can look like a huge time suck. It is true that, especially at the beginning, using Power For or Power With takes significantly more time. But I like to think of continuing to only use Power On as a game of Whack-A-Mole. We use the power, get what we need, and then have to turn around and use it again as soon as we turn our backs. When we invest in transferring power to our children, the initial time is paid back over and over again every time they do something for themselves and we don’t have to do it for them, or even eventually, to remind them to do it.
One of the first activities we do in Positive Discipline parenting classes is an activity called Two Lists (feel free to grab a piece of paper and play along!) On one side of the page, we list all the things that challenge us about our children. On the other side, we list all the positive attributes we want our children to have as future adults. For example, we might note that our children are always asking questions, need our attention all the time, or are fighting with their siblings or friends. Then we note that we want our children to become wise, affectionate, problem-solvers.
As you might have guessed already, the last step in seeing these two lists side by side is to notice that all the challenging behaviors on the left side can actually be seen as opportunities to teach one of the positive attributes on the right side. By helping our children investigate answers to their questions, they become wise/curious/able to learn. We can help them learn positive ways to ask for attention and give them tools for engaging in successful adult relationships.
In interactions with our children, there is a natural imbalance of power because we, as parents, have wider life experience, a more developed logical brain, advanced skills, and greater responsibility. Challenges in parent/child relationships often arise when we use our power without understanding it, or even realizing that it exists in a conscious way.
Three things that can happen when we use our power unconsciously:
Our children feel disconnected from us, grow resentful or meek and helpless.
We, as parents, feel exhausted because we are doing so much.
We take away our children’s opportunity to learn.
When we choose parenting actions that help our children learn life skills, we avoid the negative results of unconsciously using our power over them.
When we use power consciously and carefully, these things can happen:
Our children trust us, come to us in learning moments, and ask for our input and guidance.
We transfer some responsibility for all the things that need to get done every day to our children. Our children feel like they are contributing to the family and have a sense of belonging and significance.
Our children experience opportunities to fail and learn, become resilient, more capable, understand themselves better, and are able to make good choices without our constant input.
If you take only one thing away from this article, I hope it is the simple awareness of how you use your power as a parent. Often it is simple awareness, not requiring yourself to make seachanges overnight, but just putting your attention on something, that can shift your success, gently and with appreciation for everything you are doing already, especially as a parent who is choosing to read an article like this one! Have compassion for yourself! You are doing it!
Shira Coleman Hagar is a Positive Discipline parent educator and PD in the classroom facilitator. She is the mother of two teen boys, 18 and 15 and the wife of high school English teacher Jeffry Hagar. She is also a swing dance teacher and owner of DesigningWell. She has been gratefully using PD in her own relationships and work for the last 16 years.
By Shira Coleman Hagar
