If you’ve ever wondered why your sweet toddler suddenly insists, “I do it myself!” or why your once-talkative child responds with an eye roll, you may be witnessing two important chapters in the lifelong journey toward independence. I affectionately call them “twonagers” and “teenagers.”
My first son declared, “Need [s]pace, Mama!” at about 18 months, and I was crushed. My second son disappeared into volleyball and friends at 14, and suddenly, I knew nothing about anything.
These moments aren’t simply defiance. They’re opportunities to nurture belonging, significance, and the skills children need to become capable, confident adults. I don’t envision making lunches, doing taxes, or shopping for my 35-year-old son. These years are my opportunity to help him learn to do things for himself.
The First Leap: The Twonager
The toddler years bring tremendous growth in language, mobility, and the desire to make choices. Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson (1950) described early childhood as a period of autonomy versus shame and self-doubt. Children begin discovering, “I am my own person, and I can do things!”
When adults support age-appropriate independence, children develop confidence. Excessive control or humiliation can encourage self-doubt. When friends noticed how capable my children were, I thought, That’s because I let them do things.
Imagine a toddler refusing to wear the shoes her parent selected. The struggle may seem to be about footwear, but it may reflect a growing desire for agency: Do my choices matter?
Children need connection while discovering they can contribute and make meaningful choices. Instead of demanding, “Put these shoes on because I said so,” a parent might ask, “Would you like the blue shoes or the red ones?” The boundary remains, but the child gains an appropriate opportunity to practice independence.
I once bought purple Robeez with owls for my younger son, who was about two. My older son, then four, told him they were girl shoes. I said, “Please let your brother have his own truth about his shoes.”
Solomon tearfully declared, “My truth about these shoes is that I don’t like them.” I tried not to laugh—and not to cry that they didn’t make them in my size!
The goal isn’t to prevent every tantrum. It’s to maintain kind and firm limits while helping children develop self-advocacy, emotional regulation, and problem-solving skills.
The Second Leap: The Teenager
Fast-forward to the toddler and early teen years, often ages 10-14. Children increasingly seek privacy, question family rules, explore friendships, and develop their own opinions. They’re discovering who they are and where they belong.
Consider the 11-year-old who declares, “You can’t tell me what to wear!” Rather than battling for control, a parent might respond, “You want to choose your own clothes. Let’s talk about what’s appropriate for the weather and occasion, and then you can decide.”
The parent remains the guide while sharing reasonable responsibility and fostering capability.
Positive Discipline encourages collaboration, respectful communication, and opportunities for children to contribute. Family meetings and problem-solving conversations let tweens practice decision-making while learning that freedom and responsibility go together.
As a single parent, I worked all day and shared reasonable responsibility. Whenever I asked my children for help, I got pushback or blank stares. Hooray for Positive Discipline and the suggestion to bring the problem to a family meeting!
Together, we brainstormed everything needed to care for our house, pets, and ourselves. Then I asked, “Right now, I’m doing all of this. Is there anything here that you can do?”
I never would have assigned them so many ‘chores’, but they didn’t feel like chores. The children had chosen their tasks and owned their decisions. I was elated!
Two Leaps, One Essential Need
The twonager and teenager are separated by years of development, but both are learning how to be individuals in relationships with others. One practices independence through everyday choices; the other explores identity, values, and social belonging.
Adlerian psychology offers a useful lens: behavior makes more sense when we consider a child’s goals, beliefs, and need to belong.
When faced with a power struggle, replace the question “How do I make my child stop challenging me?” with “How can I teach the skills my child needs next?”
Sometimes that means offering choices. Sometimes it means listening before advising, setting a boundary, or allowing a reasonable consequence. In both stages, adults remain responsible for guidance while respecting children’s growing capabilities.
The next time your twonager shouts “No!” or your teenager declares, “You just don’t understand,” take a breath. Beneath the outburst may be an important developmental message: I am becoming my own person, and I still need you.
Our children don’t need us to win every power struggle. They need us to help them become capable, connected, and responsible people. With kindness, firmness, encouragement, and opportunities to contribute, we can turn challenging years into powerful opportunities for lifelong growth.
