Okay, so it didn’t happen exactly like this… But pretty much…
My children are 6 and 4. I slept in one morning and woke up to two children with my phone sitting at the kitchen table, with the honey bear and a box of graham crackers.
Me: “What are you doing?”
Them: Stares
Me: “I told you you could not watch cartoons and eat junk food!”
The 6 year old: “No Mama, you said no sugar cereal while we watched TV. We’re not doing that.”
Me: face palm, eye roll, turn around so they don’t see me laugh
What did I learn? My children were excellent at getting around my “rules” and they were only going to get better at it.
Thank you Positive Discipline! I immediately thought of the lessons on Praise VS Encouragement. Not because I was tempted to praise them in that moment, but because one of the things I had heard suddenly had a new application. I heard that if I was going to praise my children (which could teach them to seek external validation instead of having their own self worth,) I should consider praising the underlying value that the child was exhibiting instead of the outcome or product of their efforts. For example, instead of saying “What a beautiful picture!” I should say “I saw you really concentrating on making that! Tell me about what you drew.”
If these wily boys were going to take what I said literally, I needed some catch all, can’t get around it, take that smarties, kind of rules!
Thus were born our families 5 rules:
- Be healthy
- Be kind
- Be generous
- Be respectful
- Be happy
Parenting got so much easier with this small set of “rules”. From then on, at the grocery store check out, when the boys mommy-can-I-haved me with all the candy bars, I looked down with a thinking expression and said, “hm, is that healthy?”
Them: “Can we have strawberries?”
Me: “Yes! Strawberries are a healthy choice. We can definitely get strawberries”
Focusing on the values we want our children to have as adults helps them think about their choices instead of my rules. We all win.
- They begin to self direct to positive healthy choices.
- My parenting life gets easier, more clear, less to manage and fewer “no”s and headache inducing power struggles.
- It puts us on the same team, with the rules as the authority and us together trying to apply them as best we can.
- It’s easier for me to keep all the rules in my head and embody them in my own actions so I become a better role model.
- It’s easier for them to remember what is expected so they can be more confident and feel more empowered and successful.
- When they fly the nest, they will have some great values in place, but WITH great skills to live them out in their day to day decision making.
I think of my parenting style as “investment parenting”. It might take longer the first few times but then the pay off comes when my children pick up the baton and start applying their skills to new problems on their own.
“No hitting” becomes “be kind”, but that also applies to using kind words, saying please and thank you, and petting the cat gently.
“Take turns” becomes “be generous”, but that also applies to offering some of your snack, giving your time to do a good deed, giving your lightly used toys to a toy drive, or letting your little brother play with you even if he’s annoying.
“Listen when I’m talking to you” becomes “Be respectful”, which also covers listen to your teacher, no name calling, clean your hands in the sink not on my pants, cover your cough, make eye contact and smile at people, and give your grandma the seat if there is only one left.
“Be happy” seems like it might create selfishness but taken together with the other rules it reminds us that these rules apply to us too! It is important to choose happiness even during our difficult times and find small things to focus on to create some joy for ourselves and others. It encourages us to focus on the one thing we can control, our own attitudes. And it helps us to let go of resentments and disappointment as soon as we are able.
It is important to remember that we will not always be happy, but actually, it’s important to remember that we won’t ALWAYS be kind, or generous or respectful or choose the most healthy option either. We will have a little of everything and we will never be perfect. Mistakes are opportunities to learn! And some mistakes create fun, awesome outcomes! Some offer important life lessons, or give new insights to solving a problem.
These types of “rules” can be a guiding light. They also invite us to be generous and kind to ourselves and others as we remain human.
By Shira Coleman Hagar
