The well-being of children is entrusted to every adult, and we parents, caregivers, and educators have to be very mindful of the decisions that we make to protect and teach children. Having a developmentally appropriate understanding of consequences as a parenting tool is essential to using them in ways that support children’s positive relationships and guide their positive behaviors.
Psychology and Science
The Positive Discipline idea that children do better when they feel better is supported by renowned psychologists Alfred Adler, Rudolph Dreikurs, and Abraham Maslow and informed by the study of neuroscience and trauma-informed care.
Positive Discipline helps children experience belonging and significance, is mutually respectful and encouraging through kindness and firmness, teaches social and life skills, is effective over the long-term, and helps children discover how capable they are. Using consequences the Positive Discipline way fulfills all of those goals.
The prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain that governs our ability to anticipate the consequences of our actions) also needs to be taken into consideration, in large part due to the fact that it isn’t fully developed until a person is about 25. Given that children have a limited ability to consider the implications of their actions, it’s unreasonable for adults to expect them to make well-thought-out choices, especially since adults also make all kinds of bad choices!
Natural Consequences
Natural consequences are basically a matter of cause and effect and happen naturally (without the intervention of others). As one example, someone who wakes up late might not have time to shower before school. Natural consequences teach children life skills, including helping them to become critical thinkers and problem-solvers.
For young children, a natural consequence could be spilling milk on the table and helping to clean it up. Another is an older child becoming cold if they go outside without wearing warm clothing. Adults can ask children questions both to get them exploring their sense of autonomy and to stir their thinking.
One possible question an adult could ask a child is “What do you need to wear to stay warm and dry outside in the rain?” Sometimes a young child doesn’t know the answer and/or doesn’t respond appropriately to natural consequences, and adults can then gently guide them to a solution. An example of a natural consequence that an older child might experience is a teenager who doesn’t fold their clean clothes and therefore goes to school with wrinkles.
Whether with younger or older children, adults should try to be patient and not intervene unless absolutely necessary. Such is the case for older children who are generally much more capable than young children when it comes to things like planning, learning lessons, and handling the disappointment that often accompanies consequences. Perhaps most importantly, natural consequences should never supersede or endanger the safety of a child or anyone else.
Alternatives to “Logical” Consequences
Logical consequences are essentially actions/decisions that adults take when children make poor choices and either fail to recognize them as such or continue to make those choices. While logical consequences can be favorable when implemented correctly, they are often instead thinly veiled punishments that are coercive in nature (often through the use of punishments or rewards). For that reason, employing the use of Positive Discipline tools such as connection before correction, discovering beliefs behind behaviors, and solution-oriented communication is far more favorable when it comes to addressing concerning behavior. Further, logical consequences are better replaced by routines and/or agreements whenever possible. Being able to rely on those tools depersonalizes the adult-child expectations.
Guidelines/Considerations for Consequences
Everyone’s safety (physical and emotional health and well-being) must be ensured so as to prevent children from being harmed and/or harming others.
Consequences should never be punitive. Learning is stifled when a child is discouraged, upset, or frightened.
Logical consequences should always be Related (applicable to whatever happened), Respectful (non punitive and the message of love gets through), Reasonable (proportionate and context-specific), and Helpful (supportive and educative).
Developmental appropriateness must be taken into account, especially when it comes to very young children who need additional adult intervention (supervision, training, and things being done for them).
Avoid engaging in piggy-backing (i.e., “I told you so!”) as doing so is tantamount to blaming and shaming. When children make mistakes, they already experience guilt, regret, embarrassment, sadness, and frustration. Adults can instead reframe children’s mistakes as teachable moments. “This is actually a helpful thing to learn.”
Avoid rescuing, fixing, and nagging. Doing so robs children from experiencing the feelings and learnings that emanate from consequences. Along with developing capabilities, children need to build their “disappointment muscles” so as to develop resilience. Adults can show empathy, understanding, and care in those situations to help children process and overcome their discouragement. “I know that was difficult.” “I love you, and I’m sorry that happened.” “Would you like to talk about it?”
Logical consequences aren’t very effective with adolescents, especially since one of their developmental tasks is to individuate, which often leads to some rebellion. Also, teens are more likely to perceive imposed consequences as punishment.
Ultimately, natural consequences can teach children valuable skills and lessons, complement structure and routines, and promote critical thinking, intrinsic motivation, and accountability. At the end of the day, life is our greatest teacher.
Sarah Nofi and Steven Weiss are Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educators
