Santa Cruz Law - Growing Up in Santa Cruz

Finding Common Ground in Parental Disagreements

growingupsc — Wed, 01 Jan 2020 18:52:54 +0000

Finding Common Ground in Parental Disagreements By Bob Derber and Judge Paul Marigonda Parents who co-parent well may still encounter issues they cannot agree upon in raising their children. You might agree 90% of the time, but are stuck on that ‘one issue’ where resolution is difficult. Perhaps it is a summer vacation schedule, or a child who wants to participate in a sport that give you pause. You know the worst outcome is conflict – as parental conflict always negatively impacts the children. What can you do? An incredible resource our Superior Court offers is Family Court Services mediation. You may have used this resource when you were navigating custody or parent-time issues years ago during your divorce. But did you know that this mediation remains available, typically free of charge, to help you resolve a difficult issues that may arise years after your divorce is final? The process is called Child Custody Recommending Counseling (CCRC). Families are entitled to three free hours of CCRC each year. CCRC is a process where you can present issues to a trained mediator (often a social worker with years of experience) for a recommendation resolution. Getting started is easy. You agree to mediate using a form available online (the form is a SUPCV-967, and can be found at https://www.santacruzcourt.org/forms-filing/local). Once filed, the court will issue an order that sets a date for the mediation. This is typically four to six weeks from the date the court receives the form. Mediation occurs at the Watsonville courthouse (3rd Floor, 1 Second Street, Watsonville). Prior to mediation, there is a 4-page form you submit to give the mediator background information and to help you specifically frame your issues and your suggestion as to how they may be resolved. When matters involve a therapist or doctor, you may be asked to sign a release so the mediator can contact these individuals. If so, it is always best that you give these professionals some prior notice to expect a call by the mediator so that they are not surprised by the contact. At your appointment, you may be interviewed together or separately. If you are able to reach an agreement immediately, the mediator will create a stipulation which you can sign right then and it will be filed with the court. If you are unable to reach agreement, the mediator may then choose to interview your child (if old enough), a teacher or a health care provider if they think this can help find a solution. In the mediation itself, each of you are interviewed for about a half-hour. The mediator asks several questions to better understand the circumstance. As well, the mediator has full access to your court records if s/he needs further information from that file. After the mediator conducts any further background review that s/he deems appropriate, s/he will issue a written report outlining what was learned in the mediation. This report includes a recommended solution. The report is provided to both of you and filed with the court, but it is otherwise confidential. You do not need to ask the court for an order concerning the issues you present at mediation. But if you want an order, the mediator’s recommendation is submitted to the court for it to adopt as the court’s order. This may be important if the order is needed by a third party, such as a physician or governmental entity. If you still disagree, the report is also available to the judge as input to consider if the matter required a judges decision. Child Custody Recommending Counseling through our Family Court Services helps parents reach agreement concerning custody and parenting time with their children. You do not need to be in serious conflict to ask for help through mediation. It is a service intended to help parents come to terms with issues they find difficult to resolve alone. The highly trained individuals at Family Court Services put family first and provide professional insight you may have overlooked. Since they can speak with a doctor, educator, or even your child, they can provide you with valuable information that you did not have. Oh, and did I say it is free? The Superior Court’s online website has further information to help you determine if this can be helpful to you: https://www.santacruzcourt.org/divisions/family-court. From the Bench I am a parent as well as a judge. I know parents can both be wonderful caregivers to children but have disagreements in certain areas. These disagreements can escalate if not addressed early. Take advantage of our court mediation services before they do.

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Divorce on a Budget

growingupsc — Fri, 01 Nov 2019 13:33:08 +0000

Divorce on a Budget By Bob Derber and Judge Paul Marigonda Many people want to divorce but think they can’t afford it. Attorneys are not cheap. If you have limited assets and can agree about most matters – property division and issues surrounding the children – you have low-cost alternatives. One alternative is our Superior Court’s free Self-Help Center, which can guide you through the divorce process. Center staff can’t give you legal advice, but they can help you through the process which can be confusing. If you have been there already, you know their time is limited, and you might consider a more personal approach. If you and your spouse can agree and be civil with each other, a great second alternative are private Legal Document Assistants (LDAs). They LDAs provide detailed guidance and assistance, reducing the costs of a simple divorce, custody or support matter. LDAs are specialists who can walk you through a divorce and prepare and the file legal documents for you. They are often very affordable and will meet jointly with both parties. Don’t get me wrong: I’m an attorney. I want your business, and all that I can get! But when families have limited resources and spouses can work together, my services may not be necessary. If you want to separate amicably and still need guidance, an LDA is often the best bet. I often refer people to these professionals when this can work for them. I reached out to an LDA that I often work with, Alternative Legal Services in Felton, and spoke with Jill Chambers to understand how she helps couples separate while avoiding court and the expense of an attorney. Jill’s typical fee for a divorce averages $1,250. She works with couples at her office and handles all court filings. You don’t need to go to court when you can agree on the result you want. Even better, she is available by phone for your questions! Legal Document Assistants are professionals. While they cannot give legal advice, they will work with you through a list of questions to help you familiarize yourself with the divorce process and raise important points that may not have occurred to you. For example, you may not have considered who will claim the children on future tax returns. LDAs also help prepare a formal agreement to file with the court. Frankly, I am quite impressed with what LDAs accomplish for the price. If your issues relate to custody and visitation with the children, you can still take advantage of the court’s free mediation services and the LDA can guide you through the forms for this. You might use a LDA for only part of the process, and nothing prevents you from consulting with an attorney where legal help is necessary. LDAs encounter situations like this often and are careful to suggest this when your matter needs legal analysis. I don’t want to belittle my own services. In the right circumstance, attorneys play a vital role. But there is a place and time for both professionals. I have found LDAs very helpful to divorcing couples who can still work together through their issues. From the Bench Most divorcing individuals navigate their own way through the process. It’s impressive when they work together and take the time to do it right. Whether you use an attorney, an LDA or our Self-Help Center, we are here to help. If you can reach agreements without the need of a judge, it’s better for all concerned.

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The Worst Day for a Family Lawyer, Addressing Domestic Violence

growingupsc — Sun, 02 Jun 2019 00:56:00 +0000

The Worst Day for a Family Lawyer, Addressing Domestic Violence By Bob Derber and Judge Paul Marigonda At times, being a Family Law attorney can really suck. Today is one of those days. What do you do when a parent threatens the health and safety of their child? Where does the other parent turn for help? The challenge can be drug or alcohol addiction, physical violence, sexual abuse, or neglect. The child can be 4 or 14. The result is often not obvious but is always devastating. The mental and emotional impact of abuse on a child can last a lifetime. And yet to the child, the offending parent is still ‘mom’ or ‘dad.’ They don’t process it well; they often deeply love the one that hurts them and view the situation as their ‘fault’. Family Law attorneys have several tools to address these circumstances. They can help process a report with Child Protective Services. They might support the victim in calling 911. Or they might ask the Family Court to issue an emergency order to separate the offending parent from the family. California’s Domestic Violence Protection Act, or DVPA, gives our judges the ability to immediately order an abusive parent (or another family member) to stay away from a child or the home, school or workplace. The judge can order a parent to have no communication with the child. The order is called a restraining order, or ‘RO’. A DVPA Request can be filed at 10 a.m. in the morning and the order can issue by 2 p.m. that afternoon. The ruling is based solely on the Request and in most instances, the person being restrained does not even know the Request was filed. If the judge orders the restraint, a copy is registered with law enforcement and served by a Sheriff on the person restrained. The restrained person may have just a few minutes to gather his or her things from the home and leave. A hearing is set within a few weeks to hear both sides of the matter. This is radical surgery for emergency matters. Our judges are careful to consider the request and appreciate the consequences of their order. They know the long-term effect when a Sheriff shows up to the home and a parent is ordered to move! Family dynamics are impacted for years to come. Today I filed for such an order and our Court granted it. I broke down, knowing the impact this will have on the family. Good Family Law attorneys think about long-term consequences. In my case, getting the order gave me no satisfaction, but when considering the immediate harm to the children involved, I had no choice in the matter. In an abusive relationship, whether it involves a spouse or children, a DVPA restraining order is a powerful tool. Often a Family Law attorney becomes involved only after years of harmful family dynamics. The help needed to address this is far more than legal assistance. Domestic violence victims have several support structures to help them, including the Santa Cruz Walnut Avenue Family and Women’s Center (866) 269-2559 and Monarch Services (831) 425-4030. Both programs have advocates to guide you through the process of detaching from an abuser, which can include getting a RO. It’s always a horrible experience, but so is the abuse. The RO issued today for my client will surely bring short-term drama into my client’s family. A parent will be removed from the home and two children will need protection and counseling to weather the emotional strain. I may need a little counseling myself. From the Bench We are often called upon to help families in crisis. Restraining orders are emergency tools – but are only a first step in protecting a family suffering abuse. The order is often a ‘wake-up’ call to the abuser, and a chance for the abused to address the dilemma in a protected environment. Restraining order requests are difficult for all parties concerned, including the judge. But with any request, family safety comes first.

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Communicating with the Ex

growingupsc — Wed, 01 May 2019 21:38:50 +0000

Communicating with the Ex By Bob Derber When dealing with an ex (or to-be ex), always: 1. Be polite and civil; 2. Communicate in writing; 3. Discuss only the children, support or property, and 4. Never delete past communications This should be obvious, but often it is not. Emails and text messages can end up in court when custody battles erupt. Matters may become strained at any time, especially when the children are involved. Perhaps a parent wants to move away, or a child wants to join in an activity you cannot agree upon. Disagreements about the children often spill over into other areas. You may be a strong parent and a good person, but the judge will only see what is in your communications and your declaration. Your writings show the court your posture in co-parenting decisions. You want the court to see you are the responsible person who will do what it takes to help children thrive, even if your ex is not. Item 1 – Be polite and civil. Your text messages or Facebook IM’s should not be considered never private. Your ex may even be ‘fishing’: trying to get a text from you that makes you look unreasonable or mean-spirited. Your custody is compromised if your texts include name-calling, uncivil comments, or angry language. I have seen all these ends up as exhibits to a judge in a request to change custody or parent-time. Assume a judge will read ANY text you send to your ex or the children. Make them a positive example of your co-parenting skills. Item 2 – Always communicate in writing. It will be your texts that show your ex does not participate in a child’s events even after you have informed them of these. Without them you may face allegations that you hid the event from them. Are their concern over a child’s academic progress? Your email to the ex looking for help in addressing this will be critical if you need a court’s assistance to enroll the child in a remedial program or are asking for half the program’s costs. Always communicate in writing. This will show your inclusion of the ex in important decisions concerning the children and will help clarify any misunderstandings up front. You can expect that if there is no writing the ex may claim they never knew! Item 3 – Discuss only the children, support or property You may have a positive relationship with the ex, and this is great for the children. But keep your conversation topics focused on co-parenting and divorce-related topics. In one matter, an ex texted continually about their current relationship – including excessive drinking by the new companion in the home. When she later wanted more time with the children, these texts came back to haunt her in court. Why should a judge give additional time to a parent who provides an unsafe or challenging home environment for the children? Item 4 – Never delete past communications. Your texts ‘live’ forever. They are on both phones and may be retrieved years later. If your messages follow the above rules, this will not be a problem. But if they are contentious or address matters you wish others not know, don’t delete them thinking they are really ‘gone.’ Even deleted messages can often be retrieved from a computer or phone. The message may still exist but only be flagged for deletion. When your ex has a text but you do not, a court may think you are hiding relevant information, and you can imagine how the judge will respond. If communications stray from these guidelines or becoming excessive, you might ask the ex (or the court) that you both only communicate via a messaging service specifically designed for parental communications. Our courts typically require Our Family Wizard (OFW) (www.ourfamilywizard.com), a $100 annual service that logs all communications between parents (other than emergency messages). With OFW, the messages are available for court review. The service also has several useful tools for parents where communication is difficult. These principals should guide you in your social-media presence as well. Your Facebook postings, even those only seen by your ‘Friends’, may also show up in court. Your ex may still access these postings through others. Never disparage your ex or complain about bad conduct on social media. Stay positive, or avoid social media altogether. Your postings can (and probably will) be misconstrued or mischaracterized if you become involved in a custodial fight. From the Marigonda Bench Our Family Court orders customarily include that communications between parents be civil and respectful. This is a primary rule. Name-calling and swearing are never appropriate. They only increase existing conflict which is harmful to the children. We take compliance with this order very seriously. Bob Derber is a local attorney practicing family law. He served as a State appointed Guardian ad Litem in high conflict matters in the State of Utah before returning to his home in Santa Cruz four years ago. Your situation may differ and the above is not intended to be legal advice to you in your own custodial matters. Be sure to consult with your family law attorney as appropriate if you need help in this area. Have questions for him to answer? Send them to editor@growingupsc.com

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Don’t Undermine the Other Parent

growingupsc — Mon, 01 Apr 2019 13:56:34 +0000

Don’t Undermine the Other Parent By Bob Derber Children are often drawn into parental disputes. One parent may speak poorly of the other parent in front of the children. It can be subtle and unintended, i.e., when a parent ‘apologizes’ to the child for restrictions imposed at the other parent’s home. In all events, speaking negatively about the other parent is detrimental to the child, and in the extreme, is a recognized form of child abuse. Divorce and separation are difficult for children of every age. Parents and family define their world and represent love and safety. Even older children who prefer to spend more time with friends than parents need to process issues that surround separation. Some schools recognize these difficulties and offer group therapy for children experiencing divorce. Child psychologists recognize how detrimental ‘negative talk’ about the other parent is to a child. Court custodial orders typically include that the parents will 1) be civil and respectful in front the children, 2) not speak negatively about the other parent, and 3) not discuss Family Court matters in front of or with the children. Co-parenting is difficult, and particularly so when a parent does not respect these orders. Involving a child therapist can help even if your child exhibits no troubling conduct. Your children must not only process the breakup of the home, but also the parental discord and the confusion it creates. You may think your child is doing fine, that therapy is not necessary. You could be right. But when your child’s mental health is at stake, you want to be sure. I see situations where a child performs exceptionally at school, only to learn later that the academic focus was a way for the child to escape an unhealthy home environment. Perhaps your child has become hostile toward you. This can occur at any age. In one matter, the offending parent ‘convinced’ their toddler that ‘timeouts’ given by the other parent was evidence the parent did not ‘love’ the child. The child refused to follow parental requests and kept an unusual distance from the non-offending parent. With such extremes, therapy may include help to identify and neutralize such conduct. We often call this ‘parental alienation.’ Parental alienation is a controversial topic even among therapists. The anxiety it creates in the child is real. Psychologists have tools to identify and combat the impact of alienating conduct. They often involve the parents in addressing matters. Therapists can also help identify for the court the presence and impact of alienating conduct, so that a judge may modify custodial orders to mitigate the stress. In my practice, I look to therapists for guidance. I often ask the court to refer the matter to Family Court Services (FCS), who are trained court-staff professionals who can review matters and make recommendations to the judge. Our judges trust FCS staff and appreciate the neutral voice in the matter. This is a one-time per year free service and perhaps you used it to reach a custodial agreement in the past. FCS staff may interview the child, a child’s therapist or school counselors to get a better understanding before they venture a recommendation. Family Court Services staff are all dedicated, conscientious professionals who bring thoughtful analysis to the table. If matters require, you may ask a court to appoint a private therapist to evaluate the offending parent or to make custodial recommendations after an intensive study of the situation. These orders are rare and the cost of evaluation is expensive. Be careful, if you make such a request, that you have strong evidence of offensive conduct. As well, FCS staff might make such a recommendation after reviewing your situation. From the Bench By Judge Marigonda Children are our greatest asset. They are our future. Your judges are trained to craft orders to first assure their health and safety and to foster positive parenting. Do not take such orders lightly. We also appreciate the need for a safe place for a child to share his or her concerns. Therapeutic input is always welcome and helpful. Have your questions answered by an attorney and a judge. Send them to editor@growingupsc.com. Bob Derber is a local attorney practicing family law. He served as a State appointed Guardian ad Litem in high conflict matters in the State of Utah before returning to his home in Santa Cruz four years ago. Your situation may differ and the above is not intended to be legal advice to you in your own custodial matters. Be sure to consult with your family law attorney as appropriate if you need help in this area. Have questions for him to answer? Send them to editor@growingupsc.com

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I’m Jewish, my Ex is Catholic, What About the Kids!

growingupsc — Fri, 01 Mar 2019 12:38:51 +0000

I’m Jewish, my Ex is Catholic, What About the Kids! By Bob Derber What do you do when you and your ex have different parenting policies? Bedtime at your house is 9 p.m., but 10 p.m. in your ex’s home. You permit ‘PG’ rated movies, your ex says ‘G’ only. Possibly it’s more basic. You are Jewish and your ex is Catholic. You each want the children to adopt your faith. Divorced parents face such issues daily. House rules, educational and extracurricular decisions, computer access and age-appropriate media are typical concerns. When household rules differ, children often use one parent’s rules to ‘play’ off the other. ‘But dad lets us play the game at his home!’ or ‘Mom gives us cell phones!’ And be prepared for further complications as you establish new relationships with another parent who has his or her own children. They will have own rules and preferences. Oh, the complications of blended families. Under California’s Family Law, each parent may apply their own house rules while children are in their custody. They need not be the same at both homes, and one parent cannot dictate to the other. You may permit online gaming at your house while your ex says no internet whatsoever when at his or her home. As long as the health and safety of the children are not compromised, each may set their own rules. But inconsistent rules often trigger unintended consequences. Consider a father who permits cell phones, and a mother who does not. Expect significant ‘push-back’ from the children for mom, and issues for both when the children want to take the cell phone to school. As well, children are often confused by different rules. They may be embarrassed when they must tell friends that they can’t have the phone at one home or the other. Like all parenting issues, compromise and agreement are key. You might be amazed that nearly half of elementary school children in California have cell phones. And cell phones can be restricted in several ways, from allowing only certain numbers to call or be called, permitting parental view of any messaging, and even limiting internet sites that can be visited. Perhaps a compromise for all is permitting a cell phone with privileges and restrictions policy common to both homes. Perhaps a minimum age could be agreed-to. Similarly, a common bedtime and computer access are easily navigated by parents who compromise and co- parent effectively. One area poses a most difficult challenge: Religion. Where there is one theology at Mom’s home, and another at Dad’s, the consequence can become a battleground! Worse, the competing theologies may have fundamental differences. One may Christian and the other Hindu. Without agreement, consider the confusion inconsistent training introduces to the children. They may reject both faiths out of frustration. Again, each parent may raise children according to their faith while the children are at their house. Yet even here compromise is important. Both theologies may have a common moral code, and that compass might be taught in a non-denominational setting. As well, there are ways to blend traditions and rituals for both faiths. Consider Passover, an old-testament event celebrated by Christians and Jews. If this is your interfaith challenge, celebrate with a ‘special meal’ that is not characterized as a Jewish Seder but which still memorializes the event. Where these differences cannot be reconciled, respect for both faiths is key. Your children learn much about tolerance and conflict-resolution when you practice interfaith acceptance. Theological teachings might condemn those who do not comply with the faith a parent chose, or even discourage association with ‘non-believers.’ These will be co-parenting challenges for you both, and confusing for the children. You are free to establish your own house rules when the children are with you. Only when these rules endanger their health and safety will a court be inclined to intervene. Don’t set rules to ‘punish’ your ex by adopting practices to aggravate him or her. This may be considered sufficient impact on the emotional well-being of the children that a court may intervene. Generally, however, you have the right to raise the children as you see fit at your home. But positive co-parenting and compromise can pay huge dividends. Children who live with separated parents who work together are often more content and prepared to face their own challenges as they grow. From the Bench by Judge Marigonda You may find yourself in court when disagreements arise that can’t be easily navigated by parents. But when co-parenting issues surface, try to find that middle ground. I am not the best person to make parenting decisions for your family. Compromise and best interests of your children are keys to their success. Search yourself before you ask a court to make parenting decisions. Bob Derber is a local attorney practicing family law. He served as a State appointed Guardian ad Litem in high conflict matters in the State of Utah before returning to his home in Santa Cruz four years ago. Your situation may differ and the above is not intended to be legal advice to you in your own custodial matters. Be sure to consult with your family law attorney as appropriate if you need help in this area. Have questions for him to answer? Send them to editor@growingupsc.com

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Stay Civil: How to Get a Judge to Issue an Order You Like

growingupsc — Sat, 02 Feb 2019 01:40:15 +0000

Stay Civil: How to Get a Judge to Issue an Order You Like By Bob Derber The feedback from last month’s column was incredible. There are divorced parents who do collaborate! It’s so important for the kids. We welcome Judge PaulMarigonda, one of our two Family Court judges, to the column. He will contribute information from theother side of the bench. Last month we stressed that it is best to reach a parenting agreement with your ex rather than ask the court for a decision. That is critical. But, if you must ask a judge for help, be careful! Our judges have hundreds of cases every month. Santa Cruz has only two judges for family matters. Judge Marigonda, and his counterpart Judge Baskett, are both very able, but they have limited time for each case. They are seasoned veterans and have ‘seen it all’ before. You must persuade them that you need the orders you request. When you request court orders, you will likely submit a statement on why you need your order, and why you cannot agree on the matter with your ex. Some words of advice for your statement: Ask Only for What You Need Parents hurt their credibility by seeking orders that reflect anger rather than need. Take care before you ask the court to keep children away from the ex. Think of alternatives, perhaps limited visits or asking that another person to be present for visits: either a professional or a trusted friend. Be Tempered, Brief, and to the Point Your judge is not going to appreciate a 10-page rant. Keep your statement short, factual and to the point. Present Only Issues You Cannot Agree Upon Reach agreement where you can. Perhaps the kids need therapy and your ex agrees. You won’t need an order for this, so don’t ask for one. The judge will appreciate that you both limited the issues to areas where you could not find a middle ground. Consider the Emotional Impact Your Statement Will Have on Your Ex Your statement can affect co-parenting well into the future. Mean-spirited words can result in years of future conflict. You will be co-parenting for many years to come. For your children’s sake, consider the impact of continued conflict. Your Statement is a Public Document People, whom you never imagined would do so, may see your statement. It may be a future employer or a public official. The FBI accesses divorce records for security clearances. Reporters access files to ‘get dirt’ on public officials. Even worse, your children may get a copy of this document years later if they do a family history. Your statement can last forever. The world your children had was shattered by the divorce. Long-term effects of this are well studied by psychologists. Divorce is hard for them, and co-parenting can make all the difference. Keep them feeling safe, loved and sheltered by both parents. If this is lost, children often become emotionally challenged, fall-behind in school, or even worse, turn to unhealthy alternatives, like poor relationships or drugs and alcohol. You come to the court for help, not to ‘get back’ or ‘ruin’ your ex. Protect the kids and find a healthy balance. Your anger will show, and not look well for you. You might ‘get back’ at the other parent, but in the process, you might also harm your child. Bottom line: stay civil. From the Bench “Children are our most important asset,” says Judge Paul Marigonda. “I am dedicated to them first and foremost. When you need my help, ask and I will do my best. But if you try to use the court to punish your ex, it will show and you may likely be unhappy with the result.” Bob Derber is a local attorney practicing family law. He served as a State appointed Guardian ad Litem in high conflict matters in the State of Utah before returning to his home in Santa Cruz four years ago. Your situation may differ and the above is not intended to be legal advice to you in your own custodial matters. Be sure to consult with your family law attorney as appropriate if you need help in this area. Have questions for him to answer? Send them to editor@growingupsc.com

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Thinking Twice Before You Take Family Matters to Court

growingupsc — Tue, 01 Jan 2019 11:57:18 +0000

Think Twice Before You Take Parenting Matters to Court By Bob Derber So there’s drama with your parenting relationship on how to raise your children. You have both lawyered up and are headed to court. BUT LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP! This often occurs after the holidays. Drama abounds when you navigate who has the children on Christmas, care over school breaks and scheduling winter trips. If you are reading this, you survived, but possibly not unscathed. When parents collide, you may ask a judge to make decisions on matters best left to parents. The judge has no intimate knowledge, as you have, about your children. At your first court visit, you will likely be referred to Family Court Services (FCS), a mediation process to encourage you to reach an agreement with your ex about custodial and parenting matters. FCS staff are highly skilled individuals, but their workload limits the time to focus on your situation. They must often make a ‘best guess’ in matters brought to their attention. If parents cannot agree, here in Santa Cruz the FCS mediator makes recommendations to the judge, and these are often made into a court order by the judge. This typically includes custody, parent-time allocations, telephone contact with the child(ren) and other matters. But think first. You and your ex may not get along, but you are still the ones who know what’s best for your child(ren). If you can compro- mise, you will likely reach a better re- sult than will the judge. As well, parental agreements, rather than court orders, are typically followed more closely by parents. Conflict between you and your ex is highly disturbing to the child(ren). This alone is good reason to reach agreement. You may want your child(ren) to have a phone, your ex may not. Compromise! How about a phone which limits who can be called and regulates any internet access so your child sees only age-appropriate content. Also, if most the children in his/her class have phones, consider the social issues your child faces when ‘all’ his/her friends have a phone but s/he does not. Perhaps some input by a teacher may help. Does your child want to be involved in a sport? Can you two agree on how participation costs will be shared? Can you both support him or her by attending practices and games? And when you exchange the children for visits, can you agree on a place and time that works for both? Reach agreement on every matter you can so a court addresses only the areas where you cannot. If there is another professional involved, perhaps a child’s counselor who knows your son or daughter well, their recommendation might break a dead-lock. Make a list of items that you hope you can discuss and clear the way for the judge on all you can agree to. Often it is only one or two stumbling block where parents need an individual outside the family to make a decision. Bottom line – even when the two of you cannot get along, there is little reason to introduce your child into these adult matters. Focus on the child, and avoid ‘punishing’ the ex. You may believe your ex is not supportive of academic goals for your child. This may be, and you will likely not change this. Reach agreements that take the other parent’s characteristics into account. If he or she is not strong on academics, perhaps you might agree that your child has access to a tutor! Consider how the skill-sets and priorities of each parent can be used to benefit your children best of all. Explore all the options before you ask a third-party, including the judge, to make decisions for you. We are lucky to have the judges we do in Santa Cruz. Even so, they are not the parent of your child(ren). If you have questions or observations, feel free to reach out to GUiSC. Emails to editor@growingupsc.com are always welcome. Perhaps there is a topic you would like addressed. GUiSC is a service to support positive parenting in Santa Cruz. For 20 years, GUiSC seeks to foster happy and healthy Santa Cruz children! Bob Derber is a local attorney practicing family law. He served as a State appointed Guardian ad Litem in high conflict matters in the State of Utah before returning to his home in Santa Cruz four years ago. Your situation may differ and the above is not intended to be legal advice to you in your own custodial matters. Be sure to consult with your family law attorney as appropriate if you need help in this area. Have questions for him to answer? Send them to editor@growingupsc.com

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How to Handle the Holidays Through Divorce

growingupsc — Sat, 01 Dec 2018 18:06:20 +0000

How to Handle the Holidays Through Divorce By Bob Derber For newly separated parents and for veterans of divorced parenting, the holidays always present challenges for mom and dad. Perhaps you have a custodial order in place that specifies when each parent has the children during holidays. These orders sometimes only address the day of the holiday itself and not the entire vacation period. Often, the order was made long ago and does not account for current circumstances. Holiday family visits and travel opportunities may conflict with your order. It is also a time of parent-teacher conferences and holiday school events, like a Christmas play, where separated parents will be together. Perhaps grandparents and cousins are visiting at a time that conflicts with your parent-time allocation. Such are the issues of vacation-time between separated parents. Family law attorneys are often called by a parent asking if they ‘have to’ let the other parent have unscheduled time with the children. Our family law judges know well that, irrespective of the custodial order, flexibility, collaboration, and accommodation are key to positive co-parenting. These attitudes are key to making holidays a positive experience for children. You may have the right to refuse a visit with the other parent under your order, but be careful if you don’t have a good reason for doing so. Inflexibility hurts you legally in the long run. Divorces are so emotional. Specific and exact boundaries may be initially required when conflicts peaked. As time passes, parents hopefully develop a working relationship. It is difficult enough for children to see their world shatter, even in their teens. Parents need no reason to return to court to ask for a parent-time modification free of charge through the Self-Help Center, located at the courthouse in Watsonville. Be careful your inflexibility does not trigger such a request; be hesitant to make such a request if you do not have a good reason. Our judges know civility and flexibility are critical to positive co-parenting. Judges are parents too, and they know the traits of an uncooperative parent. A parent who does not demonstrate that they actively encourage the other parent’s involvement with the children may cause a judge to limit that parent’s allocated parent-time. These parents are not considered to be a ‘friendly parent.’ This is especially true when history shows one parent is the more likely individual to accommodate informal visitation requests by the other parent out of the ordinary. High-conflict circumstances make ‘friendly parenting’ terribly difficult for the ‘friendly parent.’ It is unfair when the other parent intentionally shows up late for an exchange or makes demands that push parenting to the limits. A high-conflict parent may strategically claim the child is ‘ill’ or has a competing event and can therefore not permit the visit. Take heart, ‘friendly parent,’ that your collaborative efforts are, and are seen by the court, as best for the children, and that your willingness to put the children is appreciated. They know this is hard to do when unfair conduct is involved. Here in Santa Cruz, our judges do not want to micromanage parents. They know that parental agreement is the best solution to most issues. As well, parents are more likely to follow the solutions they come up with. But the court will intervene when they need to. If a parent makes it uncomfortable during exchanges or obstructs visits, there are ‘unpleasant’ solutions besides fines or, in extreme cases, jail time. If you are the uncooperative parent, a court can make you do all of the driving for visits, or have your emails and calls logged in a system where the judge can review your email and text communications. Refuse a reasonable request to let the children attend a grandparents’ visit outside of the custodial order and you risk a change to the order allocating the vacation period to the other parent. Don’t let your circumstances reach the point where the judge makes parental decisions. The focus is always what is best for the child. Positive co-parenting resources are abundant in this county. If you experience difficulties, your participation in these programs will itself show that you, indeed, are a ‘friendly parent.’ First Five’s Triple P program, a regular advertiser here, is well regarded in the legal community. As well, reach out to our Santa Cruz Parenting Center or look into the Papás program at Encompass Community Services. These are all terrific resources. But most of all, focus on the child. When there is an unfriendly parent, the friendly parent will shelter the children from the conflict. It may be hard, and it may not be fair, but your child is worth it! Bob Derber is a local attorney practicing family law. He served as a State appointed Guardian ad Litem in high conflict matters in the State of Utah before returning to his home in Santa Cruz four years ago. Your situation may differ and the above is not intended to be legal advice to you in your own custodial matters. Be sure to consult with your family law attorney as appropriate if you need help in this area. Send your questions to editor@growingupsc.com and we will get them answered by a professional.

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