Help Children Reach Potential By Embracing Their Mistakes

“Mistakes are so fun. I feel great every time I make one. Can’t wait to make another one!”  Who says that?  Not me. Most likely, not you either. 

   In the world of scientific exploration and inventions, trial-and-error is a normal procedure.  Experimentation holds valuable information. When followed up by studying the results, better results are possible. Edison was reported to have made 1,000 attempts to perfect the light bulb.  That’s 999 fails.  For children and teens, experimenting, making errors in judgment, and failing are not given this acceptance and value by the adult world. 

     In the Positive Discipline parenting approach, a core tenet is that mistakes are an opportunity to learn – for children, parents, teachers, spouses, everyone – because this approach is how to be a healthy human, not just a healthy parent. The focus is not on excusing mistakes but rather on understanding that it is a vital part of the growing-up process. In fact, it is part of the human experience. 

Hazards of Perfectionism

      Being seen as perfect with all the right answers, knowing the best way to execute a task, and handling situations with ease can be highly desirable. Yet, it is an expectation that will cause suffering. It’s not possible, and that’s a good thing because perfectionism does not promote growth. Being imperfect is where all the good stuff is. It’s the seed of growth. 

     The best opportunity to be great is made available if you can be willing to admit mistakes,  be willing to take risks, be willing to be unskilled as you learn, and be willing to be perfectly imperfect.  

What did you think and decide about yourself 

when you made mistakes as a child?

   Adults constantly give messages to children about their behavioral mistakes or mistakes they make in mastering skills. Adults can express strong feelings and judgments due to frustrations and unrealistic expectations placed upon children. Think back to your childhood. 

    Did you think some of these thoughts about yourself due to adults’ reactions to your mistakes?  

I’m not good enough.

I’m stupid. 

Others are better than me. 

Everyone will judge me.

Others don’t make mistakes. 

    Did you make some of these decisions for your future?

Don’t take risks.

Believe I’m not good enough. 

Hide mistakes. 

Feel embarrassed.

Blame others. 

Make excuses.

     The world has not changed so much that our children may also have these thoughts and make these decisions just like you may have. 

How to Head off Perfectism in Our Children 

How did we learn to walk? To write our name? To drive? To apologize?

We made mistake after mistake and got better and better.  The new motto is: Practice Makes Better! (NOT perfect). Try these practices.    

1. Normalize mistakes. Do this by having a mindset of expecting mistakes. Be emotionally non-reactive over inevitable spills, bumps, and errors in judgments your children will make. Growing up is a trial-and-error experience. Do set boundaries and re-direct behavior, but keep the tone and words respectful. “Ooops, you knocked your cup over.  Here’s a towel for you to clean it up.” 
2. Model making mistakes. The actions of adults are very powerful teaching tools for your children compared to what adults say. Don’t just tell them mistakes are okay, share with them your own little mistakes you made during the day or big mistakes from your past such as oversleeping or mistreating a friend. Model how you took responsibility. Share what you learned from it. “My apologies for oversleeping and making us all late.  I’m setting a second alarm for tomorrow.”   
3. Encourage and even celebrate mistakes. Taking a risk, trying something new, and following a dream is a journey of bravery and errors that teach and hone skills.  So take away any idea of doing things perfectly. Instead, invite healthy risk-taking such as making a guess at an answer, riding a unicycle, or applying for a job. Self-made billionaire, Sara Blakely, credits her success to her father who invited her to share a failure she had that day. Risk-taking was normalized thus she became fearless about taking risks and reaching for a goal. Failure should not define anyone but be part of the path to success.  “Even though you didn’t get the part in the play, it was incredibly brave to try out.”     
4. Highlight the learning that was brought about because of the mistake. 

As you celebrate a risk taken, a mistake made, or an attempt that failed, notice and acknowledge the new information gained, and the improvements made every step of the way. When my teenage son was learning to park and scraped the tires along the curb, he expressed discouragement. I responded, “You’re supposed to hit the curb. Now you know where the curb is.”  When boundaries are crossed, still highlight learning:  “The soccer ball is now of limits for today. I hope you learned I really do mean what I say about balls staying outside.” 

5. Offer grace, not shame. We forget, at times, that children are people too who have the same feelings and needs as adults do. Give kids the same level of grace we hope to receive when we’ve errored. The old, “you-should-know-better!” needs to go by the wayside. Adults know better but still make mistakes. We’re all human.

     Do your personal growth work to relieve yourself of feeling shameful around mistakes to keep yourself from passing on this mistaken belief that mistakes equal shame. Replace this with the idea that mistakes are always opportunities to learn.  

Colleen Murphy is a credentialed adult ed teacher, a Certified Positive Discipline Trainer at Positive Discipline Community Resources  (www.pdcrcc.org),    preschool teacher at Soquel PENS (www.soquelpens.org), a parent coach (fromtheheadtotheheart.com), and in healthy relationships with her two grown kids.