When my daughter was no longer a high schooler in my house and was now managing most aspects of her life as a college student, she said one day, “I’ve realized adulting is an endless cycle of doing the dishes.” Yeah, it’s kinda like that. Life holds in store for us endless tasks that, although monotonous, are part of the recipe for living an organized, well-managed adult life, which makes space for achievements to happen. A satisfying, happy life will soon follow those achievements.
Harvard researchers have conducted a multigenerational, 85-year longitudinal study, (and counting) focusing on the mindset and habits of high achievers. The study reports a high correlation between household contributions (aka chores) and future professional success. Doing chores matter!
I know, I know…I can hear the collective moan from parents who all love the idea of their children participating in household tasks, but the battle of wills over these tasks does not seem worth it. “It’s easier if I just do it myself, and I’ll do a better job,” parents think. True! However, let’s consider one of your main tasks as a parent: to prepare your children for life. Do you do all their schoolwork for them just because you’ll do it quicker? Do athletic coaches run all the plays because they better understand the game?
We all agree that kids learn by doing, mastering a skill takes time, and the benefits of this work are invaluable. Teaching and coaching your children how to manage a household can lead to benefits such as persistence in the face of challenges, self-esteem through accomplishments, seeing the payoff of hard work, and contributing to a team.
Get in the Team Work Mindset
No team works well when members feel treated unfairly, disrespectfully, or feel undervalued as a person with opinions, interests, and ideas. Your kids will often show their hurt and discouragement about disrespectful treatment (accurately or inaccurately perceived) by fighting over your list of tasks. Would you want to go all in with an employer who treats you with disrespect?
Step one: Invest in your relationship with your children if you expect them to invest in the family.
More Steps: Think of your family as a team. Everyone living in the house is part of the problem as well as part of the solution.
Become the coach of the family team, not the boss. Coaches observe, develop strategies, build the team’s relationships, involve everyone in the goal, and hold everyone accountable.
Step back and observe. All coaches observe to assess what is working and what isn’t before laying out a new game plan. Are you demanding and nagging rather than leading with confidence?
Begin with a simple plan and have a conversation. Inform the family of your plan for a new system. You will need their input and tweaking for ultimate success. For example: “We need a new way of having family dinners that is fair. I’ll plan and cook dinners. Let’s work out a plan now to divide up table setting, and clean up duties. We’ll start tonight with our new plan. During dinner or tomorrow, let’s discuss how the new plan is or isn’t working and your ideas for improvement.”
Follow Through. If you say it, do it. Hold kids accountable as well. Say with a calm and even tone, “What was our agreement?… Yes, that’s right, you are taking out the trash after dinner. It is time now to do that.” Stay focused on topic despite back talk or resistance that may happen. Use one word, “Trash,” while smiling and pointing in the direction of the trash.
Chore Ideas Based on Age. Start Early!
Research says setting up household expectations for kids early in the game is best so that it becomes a way of life. The tasks will be done with less skill than an adult’s, but think of them as apprentices in training. Always begin the lessons by working alongside them, taking the time to teach and train them how to do each task well. With each age, add on more responsibilities.
Ages 2-3 year olds
Put toys away in tubs, baskets, or on shelves. Carry their dirty dishes to the sink. Dress themselves (with adult help if needed.) Put clean silverware away. Throw away garbage and recycling in proper bins.
Ages 4-5 year olds
Sweep with kids-sized brooms. Match socks. Wipe up spills and accidents. Pet care. Water plants. Wipe bathroom sink.
Ages 6-8 year olds
Set and clear table. Put away groceries. Take out the trash. Make school lunches. Vacuum. Assist with dinner. Put away laundry. Put away clean dishes.
Ages 9-12 year olds
Wash dishes or load dishwasher. Sweep. Weeding. Raking leaves. Make their snacks, breakfasts/lunches. Clean toilets. Operate washer/dryer.
Ages 13-18 year olds
Prepare meals. Grocery shop. Clean bathrooms. Car maintenance. Clean out fridge. Driving younger siblings to school. Yard work.
Pay kids to do their chores?… Nope
The Positive Discipline approach emphasizes teaching life skills and promotes the idea that we are preparing our children to function and thrive in the adult world. Doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, or picking up the dog’s poop is not something we are paid for; it’s our contribution to the family. Payment for chores can set up kids to have a “what’s in it for me” or “why should I go over and above if there’s no reward” mentality.
What if your child is not interested in the payment that week? Chores can be skipped, right? When told chores still need to be done regardless, you may have an entitled kid saying, “You want me to do it for free?!” The goal is to build the habit of contributing to the greater-good mentality, that we all rely on each other in our family. Giving kids an allowance is a separate issue, but tying allowances to chores does not get you to this goal.
Exceptions can be when your child wants to earn money. By all means, give them extra duties like filing your papers, or washing your car for payment.
