Positive Discipline Parenting - Growing Up in Santa Cruz

Siblings: The Art of Remaining Neutral

Colleen Murphy — Thu, 02 Jul 2026 01:17:10 +0000

Sibling conflict is normal and healthy. Learn how to remain neutral, build problem-solving skills, and foster lifelong bonds between your children.

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Positive Discipline for Caregivers of Older Adults

growingupsc — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 19:09:10 +0000

Learn how Positive Discipline and person-centered care provide essential support and dignity for caregivers of older adults in an aging society.

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Values Over Rules

growingupsc — Mon, 11 May 2026 23:19:50 +0000

Shira Coleman Hagar shares how shifting from rigid household rules to a set of core values can empower children to make healthy and respectful choices.

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10 Calming Phrases Every Parent Should Know

growingupsc — Mon, 06 Apr 2026 18:55:17 +0000

Spring has sprung, bringing wild energy and big emotions. Discover 10 calming phrases and 5 essential tools to help parents stay composed and model respectful behavior.

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Interdependence Day Is Every Day

growingupsc — Tue, 10 Mar 2026 06:14:50 +0000

Explore how Positive Discipline shifts parenting from rugged independence to healthy interdependence, fostering a sense of belonging and community.

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Let the Message of Love Get Through

Colleen Murphy — Fri, 13 Feb 2026 04:10:21 +0000

Discover how positive discipline can help your child feel truly loved, focusing on connection, empathy, and effective communication strategies for every stage.

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Big Emotions We All Share

growingupsc — Tue, 06 Jan 2026 16:02:01 +0000

Learn how parents can model healthy emotional regulation for their children by processing their own big feelings openly using Positive Discipline techniques.

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Rethinking Thanksgiving and the Stories We Share

growingupsc — Thu, 06 Nov 2025 07:27:09 +0000

You are not alone in wondering about what it means to hold the 4th Thursday of November as a day of gratitude, known to some as Thanksgiving, and to others as the Day of Mourning. In a country rooted in colonization (which still continues today), we have been conditioned to ignore the uglier parts of our country’s history and how the experiences we take for granted today came to be. At Positive Discipline Community Resources, we invite you to stay curious and examine the ways in which we have the power and privilege to bring humanity and compassion into our parenting and teaching of traditions. “The antidote to feel-good history is not feel-bad history, but honest and inclusive history.” — James W. Loewen, Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong. WAYS TO STAY CURIOUS Sharing the uglier parts of history can be done with language that is developmentally appropriate. Instead of avoiding these discussions in favor of comfort, help your children work through the humanity of their emotional reactions. WAYS TO HONOR THE PAST: LAND ACKNOWLEDGMENT Celebrating Thanksgiving in the Santa Cruz area? Here is the Land Acknowledgment to consider reciting before your meal. “The land on which we gather is the unceded territory of the Awaswas-speaking Uypi Tribe. The Amah Mutsun Tribal Band, comprised of the descendants of indigenous people taken to missions Santa Cruz and San Juan Bautista during Spanish colonization of the Central Coast, is today working hard to restore traditional stewardship practices on these lands and heal from historical trauma.” — This land acknowledgment was co-created by the Amah Mutsun Tribal Band Chairman and UCSC’s American Indian Resource Center GOING BEYOND THANKSGIVING MYTHS ORIGINS OF THANKSGIVING MYTHS RETHINKING OUR PRACTICES WHAT TO DO ON THE 4TH THURSDAY OF NOVEMBER: For further exploration, visit PDCRcc.org to view this tip sheet filled with educational links The authors do not want to speak for Native American people, and instead offer this in an ongoing reflection around the privilege that comes with residing on stolen land and unduly benefiting from colonialism. If you see something that requires revising or deeper reflection, please let us know.

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Parents As Educational Advocates

growingupsc — Sun, 07 Sep 2025 23:59:40 +0000

Given the immense role that schools play in our lives, it’s no surprise that challenging school-related issues (e.g., homework, grades, bullying, truancy, and conduct) are often at the center of the discord between children and their parents. Fortunately, the Positive Discipline concepts and tools that parents practice at home can help mitigate those issues, and many of them are adapted for use in the classroom/school. Ultimately, though, parents are their children’s primary teachers and best advocates, and they can play an active role in their children’s educational experience. One way to do so is by educating teachers and school administrators about the benefits of Positive Discipline! While not all educators use Positive Discipline, many schools now use Positive Behavioral Intervention Services (PBIS), a respectful school disciplinary system. Both PBIS and Positive Discipline interventions are designed to enhance academic and social behavior outcomes for students. Positive Discipline interventions, however, also address students’ emotional needs, entail an understanding of brain function, developmental stages, and the impact of trauma, focus on long-term goals, and help students develop cultural proficiency. Further, like PBIS, Positive Discipline helps to motivate students, but it does so through the use of encouragement (not rewards). Psychology Paired with Pedagogy Positive Discipline theories and practices are heavily influenced by psychologists Alfred Adler, Rudolf Dreikurs, and Abraham Maslow, all of whom promoted the idea that a sense of safety and belonging are fundamental needs for children to feel and do their best. Those theories and practices, however, are also inspired by educators and philosophers like Maria Montessori and Paulo Freire. Montessori understood that showing respect to children teaches them respect, that education should be individualized and holistic, that children are naturally motivated by their curiosity and interests, and that education of all types should help children learn social and life skills. Most interestingly, she asserted that when provided a supportive environment, children possess the ability not only to learn from others, but to teach themselves. Freire observed that children were undervalued, underestimated, and treated solely as recipients of education, and boldly asserted that children are co-creators of knowledge. In both the pedagogical and social context, Freire recognized that education should be a transformative practice of gaining cultural knowledge and effecting social change. In their efforts to instill in children a sense of influence and agency Montessori and Freire were fierce advocates for children who helped shape Positive Discipline’s approach to educating and protecting them. Addressing Childhood Adversity For more than 30 years, psychologists have been studying what are referred to as ACEs (adverse childhood experiences such as abuse, neglect, abandonment, death, divorce, incarceration, mental illness, and substance use to which children are directly or indirectly exposed in their households). As social determinants of health, these ACEs not only cause trauma, but profoundly compromise people’s health and well-being both during childhood and throughout adulthood. According to the Center for Disease Control, ACEs contribute to mental illness, chronic disease, substance abuse, poor educational and vocational outcomes, and, most notably, early death. Essentially, the presence of adversity—especially in young children—significantly affects human development. Trauma-Informed Care Alfred Adler believed that immersing people in supportive environments could help them recover from adversity, a notion known as the equipotentiality of growth. With our modern-day understanding of trauma, healthcare providers, educators, social workers, and anyone working in human services are now widely practicing what is referred to as trauma-informed care. As a trauma-informed approach, Positive Discipline not only supports children’s social-emotional development and learning, when implemented in the classroom, it helps mitigate the negative impacts of the trauma that results from ACEs. In the context of educational environments, Positive Discipline works in concert with the HOPE (Healthy Outcomes from Positive Experiences) Framework, which supports educators in providing what are referred to as PCEs (positive childhood experiences). This public health framework was developed to be adopted and adapted by people who regularly interact with children to ensure that they are exposed to PCEs on a consistent basis. The Four Building Blocks of Hope include: Safe and supportive relationships Safe, stable, equitable environments Opportunities for engagement Opportunities for emotional growth The following is a list comparing The Four Building Blocks of Hope with Positive Discipline (PD) concepts and tools: HOPE: Safe and supportive relationships PD: Encouragement, connection before correction, discovering the beliefs behind the behaviors, and special time HOPE: Safe, stable, equitable environments PD: Authoritative discipline (mutual respect and balancing firmness with kindness), modeling positive behavior, and practicing self-regulation (e.g., positive time-out) HOPE: Opportunities for engagement PD: Gemeinschaftsgefühl (e.g., planning and making positive contributions via job charts and class meetings) HOPE: opportunities for emotional growth PD: “I” messages, wheel of choice, and role-playing With children spending half of each day under the care and supervision of teachers, it’s important to remember that between their home and school environments, consistency promotes children’s emotional safety. When disciplinary approaches at school vastly differ from what is practiced at home, such inconsistent messaging can lead to confusion, manipulation, and anxiety in children, all of which impede their learning. Positive Discipline not only promotes consistency and safety both at home and at school, it incorporates the core principles of trauma-informed care so that children can feel and do their best and live happier, healthier, and longer lives. Sarah Nofi and Steven Weiss are Certified Positive Discipline Educators

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Money Management for Kids

Colleen Murphy — Fri, 15 Aug 2025 05:13:10 +0000

Money management, much like parenting, is one of those critical life skills that is not formally taught. Parents flounder trying to teach their kids about money when they themselves lack financial savvy. Many adults often lack knowledge on how to create and live within a budget, frequently overspend, or penny-pinch to an unhealthy level. Even discussing money issues is uncomfortable. Positive Discipline not only promotes tools that build healthy parent-teacher-child relationships, but it also teaches life skills so children enter the world prepared. Here’s some help in preparing your children to skillfully manage their money. . Avoid Using Chores as a Money Teaching Tool In the April 2025 issue of Growing Up in Santa Cruz, I wrote an article focused on chores, recommending that kids not be paid to complete household tasks. As a refresher, here’s why money in exchange for chores is problematic. Children need to be prepared for the adult world. In the adult world, adults are not paid to wash dishes or take out the trash. Paying children money to do chores can cause these issues: Sets up the expectation that contributing to the running of a household means extrinsic rewards (money), instead of real-life intrinsic rewards of feelings of contribution, capability, and skill at organization Sets up the children to think they have the option of saying, “No, thanks. I don’t need the money, so I won’t be doing my chores this week.” Can create entitled children upon discovering that chores need to be done, regardless of payment. (“What? I have to do the trash for free?”) However, is payment for extra chores ok?… Yes! By all means, put your kids to work washing your car or running errands for you. Use Allowance as a Money Teaching Tool To manage money, children need to have money to manage. Instead of tying it to payment for tasks, embrace the idea of giving children money freely to manage their own spending. Rather than parents paying for a toy, ice cream, movies, clothes, or any number of things parents will be paying for anyway, put the money in their children’s pocket to spend or save at their will. Let’s break this down. Age and Amount This is up to each family to decide when and how much children will receive for an allowance, depending on their preferences and financial situation. It would be reasonable to give a 5-year-old $1 or $2 a week, a 9-year-old $10-$20 a month, or a 13-year-old $30 a month, etc. As their age goes up, the more items the children/teens are financially responsible for, therefore, the more money they will need. How It Works You will be asked the famous question again and again, “Can you buy me this?” But instead of having to decide if you’re going to buy it or not, you are empowered to say, “You have your own money to spend. Do you have enough?” This takes the decision out of your hands and into theirs. A common response to realizing they will need to use their own money when begging for a toy or such is, “Oh, never mind.” (Guess they didn’t want it badly enough!) For young children, parents will closely advise and guide them. “Here’s your allowance. I know you want to buy ice cream at school on Friday, so how much do you need to save so you’ll have it to spend? Let’s put the amount in this pouch to save for Friday.” “We’ll be traveling in two weeks. Do you want to have some spending money for snacks or a souvenir? Let’s save that in your wallet to bring on the trip.” “I know you like that toy your friend has. Let’s see how much it costs, and you can save up for it each week until you have enough.” Older children can use the money for social activities such as school dances or sporting events, laser tag, or buying a slice of pizza with friends. The money given could cover school lunches for the month, or their interests such as books, art supplies, collecting cards, and sports equipment. It can pay for special items of clothing they desire. Parents will still advise and guide. “This is enough for 5 hot lunches throughout the month. You can spend it all in one week or portion it out.” “You can buy that expensive sweatshirt, but remember, it will take all of your allowance for the month. It’s your choice if you’re okay with that.” Teens, launching into independence soon, can be handed more responsibility to manage money challenges. They can be given a clothing allowance for the school year to be spent as they see fit. Don’t be surprised if one teen stretches the money through thrift shopping and another teen spends it all on one or two high-quality, prized pieces of clothing, as my two kids did. You may require some of their allowance to cover gas expenses for the family car, or to contribute to car insurance or phone plan payments. Or it could be expected that they find part-time jobs to contribute to these expenses if they want to drive or have a phone. Parental Control Is Part of the Equation A key aspect is that parents will be involved in decisions about what is purchased to some extent. Just because kids have money does not mean they can buy out the candy store or purchase adult-rated video games. Your family values can set the boundaries for what can and can not be purchased. However, keep in mind that as your child ages, your ability to keep a tight hold on their spending choices becomes less and less. Opportunity for Priceless Life Lesson In Positive Discipline classes, we say, “Don’t get in the way of Life’s lessons.” Life experiences offer the BEST lessons. Don’t rescue or save your kids from a little pain and suffering, and also let them experience the triumph of meeting financial goals on their own. Lessons offered are: Being broke: let them experience running out of money until the next allowance installment. Better to be broke now than when they are adults. Creating money-making ideas: if you stick with the allowance schedule, this can motivate kids to think of extra ways to earn money if they are broke or want more than the allowance given. Delayed gratification: saving money for a goal and sticking with the long-term plan is a skill that makes the difference between future failures or successes. Contributing to causes they believe in: part of the allowance agreement can be to save 10% of it to contribute to causes or people they choose to support. For further guidance, seek out the many books available, such as Capitate Your Kids and Financial Literacy for Kids. Shira Coleman Hagar is a Positive Discipline parent educator and PD in the classroom facilitator. She is the mother of two teen boys, 18 and 15 and the wife of high school English teacher Jeffry Hagar. She is also a swing dance teacher and owner of DesigningWell. She has been gratefully using PD in her own relationships and work for the last 16 years.

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