In Solidarity, Compassion and Action
We’d like to acknowledge that many of us feel scared, angry, overwhelmed, and powerless in the wake of political decisions that threaten people, institutions, and our democracy. While no easy solution exists, it may be helpful to remember to “think globally; act locally” and to “be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
Along those lines, also remember that Positive Discipline isn’t just a parenting methodology; it’s a global organization practiced in more than 90 countries worldwide, and it’s a social change organization strengthening democracy through the development of respectful relationships.
The Parenting Styles We Inherited
Parents are their children’s first teachers, and the parenting styles that parents practice play a vital role in determining if and how children come to understand, value, and practice democracy and respect. As such, while identifying and analyzing the parenting styles we currently use, it’s worth considering whether or not our they mirror or oppose those of our own parents and why that is.
Three Distinct Parenting Styles
There are generally three main parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative (the authoritative style being the primary focus of this article).
Authoritarian parenting is heavily driven by parents’ fear that in the absence of strictness, punishment, and excessive parental control, their children are going to misbehave, be disrespectful, and lack a sense of discipline. One of the effects this has on children is that they are afraid to try new things lest they be punished for the mistakes they make. This approach can leave children feeling fearful and angry and lead to low self-esteem, rebellion, and distrust.
Permissive parenting is heavily driven by parents’ fear that if they establish, uphold boundaries, and assign responsibilities, their children will be mad at them. One of the results is that children don’t develop their skills because everything is done for them. This approach can leave children experiencing a sense of entitlement and a belief that adults are there to appease rather than guide and protect them.
Adults sometimes swing back and forth between authoritarian and permissive parenting styles, which sends children mixed messages about what is or isn’t expected of them. Further, when the parenting style that one parent uses isn’t in alignment with that of the other parent, children may start exhibiting manipulative behavior. Ultimately, both the authoritarian and permissive approaches can leave children feeling confused, conflicted, unsafe, and unskillful.
Authoritative Parenting
Authoritative parenting is democratic in nature and is often described as the “sweet spot” between the authoritarian and permissive extremes.
Authoritative parents set clear expectations and enforce limits, but they do so both with empathy and an understanding of children’s points of view. They believe in teaching rather than punishing, and they include their children in decision-making, allowing them to experience both freedom and responsibility.
Authoritative parents go into situations asking questions first rather than yelling orders. Something that you might hear them asking is, “What happened?” or “What’s your plan for getting your work done?” Or they may simply say, “Let’s figure this out together.” This approach doesn’t rely on external control (like threats or bribes) but rather focuses on internal motivation and mutual respect. Also, mistakes aren’t viewed as failures that warrant blame, shame, and punishment—rather as opportunities to learn and grow.
Children raised in authoritative households tend to be more self-disciplined, independent thinkers, better at emotional regulation, socially responsible, and cooperative. These children feel seen and respected, which nurtures secure attachment and creates trust in the parent-child relationship.
Positive Discipline Is Authoritative
Authoritative parenting embodies respect, clear boundaries, and warmth, which are some of the key components of Positive Discipline. It emphasizes kindness and firmness at the same time, belonging and significance, mutual respect, and long-term life skills (not short-term obedience). This approach teaches children how to think rather than what to think. It also encourages cooperative problem-solving, resilience, and emotional intelligence—traits that allow children to grow into confident, capable, and compassionate adults.
Practical Authoritative Tools:
We encourage you to try using the following authoritative parenting tools:
Consistency with Flexibility: Children thrive on structure but also need time and space to adapt, make mistakes, and grow.
Respectful Communication: Rules (and the logical reasons behind them) are clear, and the child’s feelings and preferences are taken into consideration.
Empathy and Connection: Validating feelings creates emotional safety, the foundation for healthy attachment.
Respect for Children’s Autonomy: Allowing age-appropriate choices and problem-solving builds children’s skills, resilience, sense of capability, and sense of responsibility.
Age-Appropriate Limitations: Limit-setting is driven by safety concerns and is commensurate with children’s developmental stages and abilities.
Natural Consequences: Instead of arbitrary punishments, consequences that are reasonable, related, and respectful help children learn in safe and sensible ways.
Modeling: This is the primary and most powerful way that children learn as they observe and often emulate their parents’ behaviors.
Encouragement Over Praise: Focusing on effort and improvement fosters a growth mindset and promotes children’s intrinsic motivation.
In Conclusion
Once again, our parenting styles are deeply rooted in our childhoods. Changing them and remaining consistent with them isn’t easy, and we all make mistakes. What’s most important to know is that even though our children are inheriting a challenging world, if we are able to parent and teach in ways that model respectful, democratic, and healthy relationships, we are actively changing the world one relationship—one child—at a time.
Sarah Nofi and Steven Weiss are Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educators.
By Sarah Nofi and Steven Weiss
